[at-l] the challenges of our faith, morality and life

[icw at esisnet.com (Clark Wright)]

Coosa - I don't know you, but yet i feel I kinda do from this great 
list, and from the common bond we all have in the form of that great 
path known as the AT . . . I guess what I would like to do here is ask 
you to walk a bit in my shoes . . . I'm 47, been blessed with great 
physical health, a wonderful family and friends, but there is a darker 
side, too . . . I struggle with depression at times, but more to the 
point, I struggled for three long years, as did my Mom and the rest of 
the family, as we watch my Dad waste away with cancer . . . fortunately, 
Dad had executed a living will, and had talked a lot to Mom about what 
he wanted, and had a strong religious faith that mom shared intimately 
with him . . . but I am here to tell you that all of that does not mean 
shit when you are the one sitting at his bedside, at three in the 
morning, staring at a 120 pound shell of a former 6'4" 200 pound man 
that you looked up to as "Dad" - who you used to play hoops with, run 
with and not too many years before still get beat in tennis by . . . all 
of that means shit when your Dad jerks upright, moans in pain and begs 
you to take him out of those tubes, those demeaning gowns, those sterile 
hospital rooms and let him go home to die - to die like he would want to 
die . . . you see, even with a living will, and even with a loving wife, 
and even with a loving family, and even with strong faith, and even 
though his doctor was his own personal friend and medical practice 
partner, a great and gentle man in his own right - even with all that, 
it sucks to have to try and figure out, day-by-day, how much pain 
medicine to give, how much that medication will dehydrate and eventually 
make him lose his appetite and help to end his life, versus doing other 
things that can prolong, versus shorten life . . . in short, it SUCKS to 
HAVE to play God at the end game with someone you love . . . yeah, let 
me say it again, it SUCKS . . .

As a lawyer, the son of a doctor, and the not-so-well-resolved carrier 
of my overloaded backpack of sorrow from helping my Dad struggle and 
finally die, I think I bring a lot more to the table than most - not all 
mind you, but most - of the so-called pundits, and even all those who 
have their strong beliefs about life, and about faith, and about trying 
to die in a way that best celebrates life . . . what kills me to see is 
the great divides this current case seems to be causing, or at least 
highlighting, and how little any of us truly can know about the FACTS . 
. . forget the facts of Terri's case for a minute, and take a step back 
to explore where the strong emotions are really coming from . . .  you 
wanna know what I think?  I think if we are honest, much of the real 
emotion comes from the stark reality that any one of us could be Terri 
Schiavo . . . and if we truly, honestly set all our baggage aside for a 
minute, isn't the real lesson of this case, and all the coverage, that 
we all need to sit down with our loved ones and TALK about our feelings 
- feelings about death, about our faith, and about what we want at the 
end . . . and one thing I will say about that is something you will not 
hear many others talk about - and that is the stark fact that regardless 
of how terrible the illness is, most of us fight HARD to live, right up 
to the very end.  No matter how much pain my Dad's long illness caused 
the rest of us, and even though he had a living will, I could tell that 
for a long time Dad wanted to fight, and Lord he was a helluva fighter . 
. . that is the hard part, balancing each day's little choices - about 
meds, about pain, about whether to stay in the hospital or go home, 
about hospice (God bless hospice people everywhere), and about trying to 
make sure that all the various different people who run in and out of a 
patient's life don't screw up because of their harried, narrow, 
specialist-minded medical perspectives . . . and it is damn hard to try 
anc come to your own terms, while also having to come to terms with 
where you think your loved one is in their own mind on their journey to 
the end of this life . . .

I cannot tell you what is right for Terri, her husband, or her parents, 
but I can tell you from personal experience that the horrible fighting 
between the various factions that at least loved her at various times 
will permanently scar them all much more than they will ever know, for 
my scars run deep 15 years later and we did everything "right," and had 
everything possible going for us . . . As an attorney, I can also say 
that what Congress did was reprehensible - well-intentioned by some, 
political opportunism at its worst by others, and - perhaps worst of all 
- political cowardice of the highest order by still others . . . If the 
law is to mean anything, it must mean respect for the process, and 
respect for the separation of powers inherent in our system of government.

I remain a mess about my Dad's death, and about how completely helpless 
I felt even with a united loving family, a living will, and an 
incredibly good and caring medical team taking care of Dad . . . God 
help those who have to face these types of decisions with fractured 
families, no living will, and faceless care providers - my heart goes 
out to them . . . to you, personally, I would simply say that there are 
many different pairs of shoes to walk in and empathize with in this 
case, and in the many others that ordinary human beings struggle with 
every single day . . . do not judge anyone here too harshly, and do not 
take up their burdens unnecessarily, for there is burden enough to be 
taken up in our own lives . . . more importantly, always - and I mean 
always - keep walking through the valley of the dark thoughts and 
moments until you climb back up the other side into the sunshine once 
again!  :)  One thing that always makes me smile is the fact that I 
laugh a lot like my Dad did, and I darn sure know that he wants me to 
keep walking through my unresolved grief into greater and greater 
moments of sunshine and light - 'til we meet again.

I know this is a hornet's nest, but I think I will copy the list with 
what I started out with as a personal reply, for maybe in doing so I can 
help myself work through these issues, which are a real part of why I 
love to hike . . . hiking is cathartic and freeing for me, and reminds 
me that there is always something else along the journey to explore, get 
excited about, and work through . . . it's trite, but life is indeed a 
journey, and I hope we all will try to put strong initial feelings aside 
re the Schiavo case and take something more thoughtful and deeper from 
it into our own thinking and our own lives . . .

Thru-Thinker
[Clark]



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