[at-l] Something I'd like to Say . . . [to me on-topic,but others may differ)

[icw at esisnet.com (Clark Wright)]

In reading through the AT-L digests over the past several months, and 
doing a lot of thinking [and far less posting!], I've decided that I 
wanted to struggle through a few big picture thoughts "out loud" with 
the AT-L list.  Many of the posts I've been reading here for the past 
several years (including some of myown!) are full of anger, judgment and 
lots of other "stuff" that does not remind me of much of my actual AT 
hike experience!

To me, the thoughts below are Trail related, for at least two reasons. 
First, much of my thinking over the past two years has changed greatly 
due to walking 1,300+ miles on the AT in 2001.  Second, I believe the 
Trail is a great common ground metaphor for much of the "rest" of life.

My life has changed a great deal since that fateful day in early January 
of 2001 when I went to my large law firm senior partner and told him I 
was unhappy, burning out and wanted 6 months off to figure out whether I 
still wanted to practice law at an 80 hour/week pace.  Even then, I 
already kind of knew how I wanted to spend that time - walking North 
from Springer Mountain in the woods!  I then promptly managed to get 
"us" pregnant with our second child, delude myself that it was a good 
time to leave my wife to thru-hike the AT, and head off walking "up" 
from GA; I made it to PA with almost no physical problems, finally 
realized that I needed to come home and hike on some emotional and 
spiritual trails with my wife and larger family, did sneak back for a 
couple of weeks up in VT and NH; then came back to my old law firm 
position, but soon realized it was not going to work anymore for me 
there . . .  I then watched thousands die before my eyes in NYC on live 
TV; struggled through the suicide death of my older sister a month 
later; started a much more relaxed legal career; helped create a "green" 
real estate development; struggled to reassure my wife (and myself) that 
I've not gone totally nuts [ :) ]; struggled mightily with my identity 
as a person, husband, father, and "hero" son (hung up on pleasing 
everyone but myself!); struggled to work with my wife to more honestly 
face her addictive challenges; began learning to accept the fact that 
her addictions are HER problems (and that my own co-dependent behaviors 
in our relationship are MY OWN problems/addictions!], and still have 
managed to find enough time in there to get back in the woods, climb 
Mount Rainier, and hike more of the AT up in PA in the middle of this 
spring's floods! :)

Anyhow, with the above as background, here is my effort to sum up some 
of what I have learned in these past two, jam-packed, mind-boggling 
years.  Some "keys to life" that I have just now started to learn about, 
and am now trying to better put into practice are:  (1) The only 
problems I can do anything about are MY OWN; (2) to do anything about my 
own problems, I have to first honestly be able to recognize them for 
what they are; (3) Almost everyone suffers from one or more of four 
"core" addictions: (a) power/control; (b) sensations; (c) security ("not 
enough"); and (d) suffering ("self-sabotage") [these "core" addictions 
manifest themselves as process and chemical addictions - we hear a lot 
about the chemical ones, but for many of us it's the process addictions 
(codependency, sex, internet porn, romance, gambling, workaholism, 
money, shopping, spending, computers, knowledge, etc.) that need to be 
recognized and dealt with; (4) to overcome your own core addictions, you 
need to admit that you are powerless over them [I'm still working on 
this!]; (5) you then need to turn your own stubborn will over to the 
care of God, as you understand him/her/it to be; and (6) then continue 
to heal yourself in part by trying to pass on - in a constructive way 
(see below) - what you have learned.

On this last point, I like this phrase, which I think came from AA:  "By 
teaching it, I defend it, share it and come to own it - regardless of 
whether my students hear me or succeed in their own lives."  [I think 
the "it" is the 12-step process of AA - which works pretty well for ALL 
of life's challenges!]

A lot of what I've worked through in the past two years can be summed up 
this way.  God created everyone with perfect, divine love inside them. 
No matter how much we tear ourselves down, that perfect love remains 
undamaged somewhere deep inside each of us.  Once we figure out how to 
"let go, let God," we have a shot at re-learning how to love ourselves 
again.  Once we manage to do that [lifelong journey!], we then also have 
a shot at loving others in constructive, non-dependent ways.

I think hiking long distances on the Trail allows me one way to engage 
in purer forms of love - my love of wilderness [it does not have to love 
me back, and I do not expect it to!]; my love of fellow thru-hikers [who 
all generally have the same common goal, and whom - again - I am willing 
to love with few strings attached because I did not my fellow travelers 
before (yet, in a way, I did!), and I likely will not see most of them 
ever again . . .  yet we all helped each other out without a second 
thought, and we treated each other MUCH better than we do many of our 
closest family and friends back home!  Why?  Because of our common 
non-dependent loves, and our knowledge that we needed each other in 
POSITIVE, NONDEPENDENT, CONSTRUCTIVE ways.

I reckon that the key to life is to remember those AT long distance hike 
feelings - our close kinship to mostly unconditional forms of love - and 
then apply them to every other part of our lives.

I've got a long way yet to walk in this journey; I hope that this post 
somehow made sense to someone out there - but if not, I can smile 
knowing that writing it was good for at least one person - me! :)

Thru-Thinker
[Clark Wright]