[at-l] Something I'd like to Say . . . [to me on-topic,but others may differ)

[shane at theplacewithnoname.com (Shane)]

Thanks for sharing Clark.  This has moved me to respond, but it's likely to
be long and meandering...  Sorry about that...

> Some "keys to life" that I have just now started to learn about,
> and am now trying to better put into practice are:  (1) The only
> problems I can do anything about are MY OWN;

Actually, once you have resolved your own problems, and have a solid base to
work from, you CAN help other people with their problems - if they want that
help.

> (2) to do anything
> about my own problems, I have to first honestly be able to
> recognize them for what they are; (3) Almost everyone suffers
> from one or more of four "core" addictions: (a) power/control;
> (b) sensations; (c) security ("not enough"); and (d) suffering
> ("self-sabotage") [these "core" addictions manifest themselves as
> process and chemical addictions - we hear a lot about the
> chemical ones, but for many of us it's the process addictions
> (codependency, sex, internet porn, romance, gambling,
> workaholism, money, shopping, spending, computers, knowledge,
> etc.) that need to be recognized and dealt with;

Hmmm... How about hiking?

> (4) to overcome your own core addictions, you need to admit that
> you are powerless over them [I'm still working on this!]; (5) you
> then need to turn your own stubborn will over to the care of God,
> as you understand him/her/it to be; and (6) then continue to heal
> yourself in part by trying to pass on - in a constructive way
> (see below) - what you have learned.

Hello, my name is Shane, and I'm an alcoholic.  Unfortunately, the 12 step
program didn't work for me because your #4 above, which is essentially the
same as AA's #1 of 12, doesn't work for me.  It requires that you set
yourself up as a victim.  I wasn't a victim.  I did it to myself.  Your step
#5 above, which is AA's step #2, simply replaces one addiction with another,
and worse, sets up a unilateral co-dependent relationship with God.  I've
seen it over and over again.  Alcoholics, drug addicts, and other 'addicted'
people, simply become addicted to God.  One addiction is as bad as another,
really.  The goal should be to be rid of ALL addiction and to become a
self-sufficient person.  That's just my 2 cents...

What did work for me was waking up under the house one day and saying, "I'm
not going to live like this any more.", and I didn't.

It's interesting to note that your revelations over the last two years fall
pretty well with the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism:

Four Noble Truths are 1: All existence entails suffering (the Truth of
Suffering). 2: Suffering is caused by ignorance, which gives rise to
suffering, which gives rise to craving and illusion (the Truth of Cause). 3:
There is an end to suffering, and this state of no suffering is called
Nirvana (the Truth of Extinction). 4: Nirvana is attained through the
practice of the Eight-fold Noble Path (the Truth of the Path).

The Eight-fold Noble Path is: Right View (which means knowing the Four Noble
Truths), Right Thinking or Right Aim, Right Speech, Right Action, Right
Living, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, and Right Concentration.

> A lot of what I've worked through in the past two years can be
> summed up this way.  God created everyone with perfect, divine
> love inside them. No matter how much we tear ourselves down, that
> perfect love remains undamaged somewhere deep inside each of us.
> Once we figure out how to "let go, let God," we have a shot at
> re-learning how to love ourselves again.  Once we manage to do
> that [lifelong journey!], we then also have a shot at loving
> others in constructive, non-dependent ways.

I'd go a step further, and say that once we heal ourselves, we can be truly
free.  For a further discussion, see:

<http://www.theplacewithnoname.com/hiking/sections/philosophy/broken.htm>

> I've got a long way yet to walk in this journey; I hope that this
> post somehow made sense to someone out there - but if not, I can
> smile knowing that writing it was good for at least one person -
> me! :)

Oh, it makes sense.  Just don't take too long to walk the journey.

My friend Robert called me two weekends ago to tell me that he's got cancer
and the docs are giving him less than six months to live.  Now, because of
all the insanity of moving and other things lately, I haven't seen him in
about five months.  In that time he's gone downhill fast.  We went and saw
him at the benefit in his honor at Kerry's Irish Pub in the French Quarter.

I've known Robert a long time, and I was rather shocked to see that the old
hickabilly looked rather like a concentration camp survivor.  Six months?
More like six weeks.

http://www.theplacewithnoname.com/wedding/Images/rcpt/b018.jpg

This is him at my wedding, seated on the right.  He was one of the three
biggest guys there, being 6'4" or so.  Right now I could pick him up like a
baby.  He's really that far gone.  It didn't help that he didn't bother to
tell anybody until his condition was obvious.  They've amputated most of his
shoulder, and it's causing him a lot of pain.

So, we threw a big benefit for him at Kerry's, and a lot of people came.  It
was both a lot of fun, and rather depressing at the same time.  His five
best friends (including my wife and myself) practically carried him into the
back at some point so that he could lie down.  But, before that the Pfister
Sisters (www.pfistersisters.com) sang, and other musicians did some sets.
The party ranged from rhythm and blues to classical compositions from Bach.
(I very nearly kissed the organist his playing was so beautiful.)

I was trying to be upbeat, but at some point his roommate declared Open Mike
and invited folks to come up and say something.  Nobody did.  I mean, what
do you say at that point that doesn't sound like a eulogy?  This failure by
all the cowards in the room meant that *I* was going to have to get up and
say something, and I never like to take the stage cold in those
circumstances, but I didn't know what else to do.  So I did...

"Well, the man said that it's open mike, and rather than standing up here
and having to use words, I wish that I had a gift of music to give like the
musicians who have been here tonight.  Unfortunately, I don't have any
music.  My flute teacher encouraged me to quit...and so I became a poet
instead, and all I have is words.  Just words.  Sorry about that folks.

"I am, though, rather glad to see that we've exceeded the Fire Marshall's
maximum recommended occupancy for the building.  <Loud applause.  Folks were
actually listening to me at that point.>  I'm glad ya'll are here, too,
because this is going to turn into audience participation in a minute. Ya'll
just bear with me.

"I wish that I could stand up and tell you a funny or a happy story, like
the time when I first met Robert some 14 years ago, but I can't because I
don't actually remember.  I wish I had some poetry to read to you, but I
don't.

"Rather that that, I'd like to tell you a story that most of you only know
the half of, since most of you don't know me.  I'm married to (what Robert
called) one of the Three Witches.  Now, the Three Witches used to ride
around in the back of Robert's car and generally cause trouble.
'Reprobates', I believe is the term he often used.  Of course, time marches
on, and now one of the Three Witches is crazy - although not the one I'm
married to.  Of course the Good Witch is married to me, but she's the last
one left, because the Third Witch has passed beyond.

"I still remember, about a week before Deanna died, when we were sitting
together having a quiet moment she said something out of the blue: 'I'm glad
I f**ked off so much and made a lot of friends rather than pursue a career.
What good would a career do me now?'

"When she did finally pass away, we took half of what she was and build a
sandcastle by the sea.  The other half of what she was sits in an urn in my
house.  I like to keep it where I can see it because it reminds me of what
she said, it reminds me of what she was, and it reminds me that time...is
short.

"All this brings me to a little piece I read recently:

'Before my body dies,
I pray
That the river I was born to
Will again wash over me.'"

We are that river.  We all are, for good or ill, the river that Robert was
born to - and time is short.  So, I invite everybody to come up now, and
give him a kiss...and tell him that you love him...and let the river that he
was born to wash over him now..."

At that point, I left the stage, and kissed him, and told him that I loved
him.  There wasn't a dry eye in the house...

So, we're going to wind up spending a lot of time with Robert in the
evenings.  He doesn't like to be alone, and he's a little afraid.  He's too
far gone for me to work with him much, but he wants to do the 'Talking
Yourself to Sleep' course with me.

He talks hopefully, and he's going to have some radiation treatments, but
his eyes tell the truth.  He'll wind up in an urn in my house in the next
few weeks.  "Sure, come in.  I'll give you the tour.  This is the kitchen,
the bath, the living room.  Oh, that?  That's my collection of dead
friends..."  My wife and I are the only people we know that don't think this
is morbid...

In any case, I've drug you through this to make one point:

Time is short.  We all need to reconnect to the river we were born to before
time runs out or the river runs dry.  We need to do this in spite of the
illusions in our lives, if not because of them.

Shane