[at-l] Bears + bear Jokes

[joeliddle <bgst@ptialaska.net>]

Heres a post i sent to another list....The bear
spray joke is at the bottom...

JoelShiver@aol.com wrote:

> Could someone be so kind as to send me a copy of
the joke about the bear scat
> that smells like pepper spary and has the bells
in it.  I can't seem to find
> where I put it.  Thank you very much.
>
> Joel Shiver
> Rivertripper
>

I have heard a few folks discuss seriously the idea
of fighting bears off somehow. Except for the
Monatana guy with the
.44 you dont stand a chance. Here is a reality
check: A black bear
weighs 400-600 lbs. If you weigh say 200 that makes
the bear twice (minimum)
your weight. Not even talking strength here!
Digging for roots in
mountain soils has a way of building up some
serious muscle mass.
Ok imagine that you are once again a 100 lb
boyscout. And Mike Tyson appears in your camp site
demanding your food. Mike
has three inch knives taped to each one of his
fingers. His jaw
has been reinforced to the power of a vice grips.
His teeth are dog like,
pointy and sharp, designed for tearing carrion such
as elk flesh.
Also remember that these teeth easily rip thick
skin such as the BACK of an
elk! How much easier to rip my thin human skin?
Anyway Mike doesnt punch
anymore, he swats and slaps. Keeping in mind that
at the tip of each
finger is a three-four inch knife. So what is your
defense to
this? You pull out your swiss army Mechanic and
bravely defend
yourself ala davy crocket. Good luck.

    Ok so maybe you run away? Now consider this:
Michael Johnson is considered to be the fastest
human on Earth. He ran
the 400m in 43.18secs in the 1999 World
Championships in Spain.
A speed of approximately  20  mph. Very impressive!
To his
advantage he wore gold plated Nike track shoes, and
ran on a flat track in
windless conditions.

    Grizzlies on the otherhand have the
disadvantage of
running bare foot! (Bear foot??) Thats right NOOO
sponsorship from
Nike for Mrs Grizz! Further more they may be
burdened with a cub or
two. Further more they are forced to run up and
down steep mountain sides,
leaping over rocks and logs, dodging thru trees and
brush. A regular
slalom course they must run. Under these admittedly
difficult
conditions, they regularly attain speeds of 40 mph
for distances up to 1/4
mile. A grizzly chasing a ground squirrel looks
extremly agile also. They
can twist and turn and change direction  like a
linebacker.

    Ok so lets concede that running is out of the
question. What about
those trees? eh? climb a tree? Here is a joke:
Suppose you meet a bear in the
woods.  How do you tell the difference between a
black bear and a grizzly?
Climb a tree first off. Then If the bear climbs up
after you it is a
black bear. If it simply knocks the tree over
,...that would be a
grizzly.

    One safety tip is to always carry bear spray
and always wear bear bells on
your pack. This will alert the bears to your
presence. Also you should know your
scat! You gotta be able to tell the difference
between grizzly and black bear
poop. Black bear scat is gooey black sludge, about
saucer size patty, and its got
half digested berries in it, and it stinks real
bad.
Grizzly bear scat on the other hand is about dinner
plate size patty, its more
lumpy and it s got these little silver bells in it,
and it reeks of cayane
pepper.

    Also you should know how to use the bear spray
properly....
First test the wind direction. Then stand about 20
feet away, close your eys.....

and spray your tent. It works sorta like mosquito
repellant...those bears will
stay well away!

     This idea of keeping food in your tent is not
a good one. Bears are primarily scavengers. They
STEAL food from wolves
and other predators. The basic technique is to
charge the other animal
guarding a kill, and swat at it a few times driving
it off. This bear
which appears at your tent will consider you to be
a another case of this
situation. By "swat" I am referring to the "Mike
Tyson slap" with
knives. Lets not even discuss biting of ears!





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