Re: [at-l] Questions from a '99er

[Tim Hewitt <thewitt@fairchildsemi.com>]

> Lucian Hicks wrote:
> 
> Well, since Give Me Chocolate kindly offered the expertise of past thru-hikers
> to us 99ers, I jotted down just a few of my remaining unanswered questions.  I
> don't think I've ever heard anyone else ask them, so I thought I would.
> [ahem] Here goes.

I have not thru-hiked yet, but I can answer many of your questions
from my extensive research. I've been planning my thru-hike for 27
years, and I'm almost ready to start hiking. Maybe this year, maybe
not.
 
> 1.  I'm planning to do the AT next year, from South to North.  What's the best
> way to go about doing that?

I'll send you a copy of my disertation on long distance hiking. This
will get you started. After that, you will need to buy my books and
then we can have a meaningful discussion on this question. If you
disagree with me however, all communication is over. Beware.
 
> 2. Do I have to carry all my food for the whole trip, or are there stores and
> stuff?

You have to carry all your food. The trail passes near no areas
where you can buy food. Bring a big gun and a sharp knife as well.
Living off the land is very popular on the AT. Sherpa rentals are
available at Springer Mountain Base Camp Supply and Outhouse.
 
> 3. Are there a lot of bugs?

No bugs of any kind. The Federal Government killed them off when
it took over land management in all the areas of the trail that are
not privately owned or owned by the States. In it's mandate for the
control of the AT corridor, Federal highway money was held back 
from any State that did not comply with the Bug Free AT Corridor
Act (BFACT).
 
> 4. What kind of gear would you recommend?

Get the latest REI catalog and just check the box labeled "WANNA-BE A
Thru-Hiker - Deluxe Outfit." This will include all the gear you need,
as well as the pocket computer, online instruction manual and Cellphone 
account.
 
> 5.  Are there groups that will pay people to hike all the way?  The Sahara
> Club?  Or that tree-group... Whatsits name... John Birch Society?

Yes, but unless you get your application in immediately, all the
scholarships and grants will be gone. Send a check for $100 to me,
and I'll be sure to see your applications are processed quickly. I
know for a fact that there are only a few Sahara Club grants left. I
have a friend who works there, and he told his sister that she might
be able to get one if he hand carries her application. I can probably
get him to do the same for you if you hurry.

> 6. Is it dangerous?

No. Yes. No. Well it depends. It depends on what "is" means. We'll
find out soon I think. There will be a definition coming out of
the Senate in the weeks to come. You are bringing that gun, right?
 
> 7.  Do most of the hostels have cable?

All of the hostels closed last year. The Great Ice Storm brought about
by El Nino caused most of the roofs to collapse under the weight. No
Federal relief money was made avalable, therefor the hostels all
closed.
 
> 8.  What food would be good to bring?

Spam is all you need. Spam and cool-aid. Spam and cool-aid and this
pencil. Any my remote control...
 
> 9.  I've heard that people on the AT stink.  Is that true?

Yes, but that's not a problem if you buy the "WANNA-BE A Thru-Hiker - 
Deluxe Outfit," since it comes with a gas mask for the smell, and
a set of 90 decibal noice dampening head phones for the snoring of
other hikers. 
 
> 10.  What do I do if I have to go to the bathroom in between towns?

Hold it.  They relocated the trail away from all towns and road
crossings anyway, so you won't see any towns.
 
> All advice greatly appreciated and fully tax deductible to the extent allowed
> under state and federal law.

There is nothing not-for-profit in my advise.  Your mileage however,
may vary.
 
> Lucian ("Bristlecone")

-Paddler
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