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> He even has a name; Jesus the Christ.
If you are deeply religious you may want to go ahead and press your
"delete" button on this e-mail right now.
You have been warned. :)
Jesus was the Son of God, right? Speaking of Sons of God:
"God's sons come down from heaven and have sex with earth women" -
Other odd things found in the Good Book:
After fleeing the destruction of Sodom, Lot and his two virgin
daughters end up living in a cave. The daughters worry that now
they'll never find husbands and have children. So they get their
father drunk and have sex with him. - Genesis 19:30-36
God has a wrestling match with Jacob and loses. - Genesis 32:24-30
God orders Moses to Egypt to lead people of Israel out of bondage.
Then, for reasons that are never spelled out, God suddenly decides to
kill Moses. Moses' wife saves his life by rubbing his feet with the
bloody foreskins of their sons. - Exodus 4:24-26.
God instructs Moses that no altar to God shall have steps; people
ascending these steps might expose their genitals. - Exodus 20:26
"You shall not permit a female sorcerer to live" - Exodus 22:18 (and
the basis of the Salem Witch Trials and the latter killing of said
"witches" who were actually young women hallucinating after eating bad
bread (exactly what they are is from memory - don't quote me on that
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day shall be put to death" Exodus
31:15 (Chick Fil-A employees are okay here).
Moses must wear a veil in public because talking to God has made his
face glow - Exodus 34:29-35
God forbids tattoos - Leviticus 19:28
God decrees that homosexuals must be put to death but does not
specifically mention lesbians - Leviticus 20:13
God decrees that priests must be free of physical defects: they can't
be dwarfs, they can't have "an itching disease or scabs" and they must
not have their "testicles crushed". - Leviticus 21:17-21.
God forbids cross-dressing - Deuteronomy 22:5 (I suppose this means the
Macabi Men's Skirt is disallowed on my thru-hike? Or, perhaps, because
it is a Men's Skirt it is not cross-dressing. A quandary indeed.)
David did not kill Goliath with a stone; the stone only knocked him
out. David beheaded Goliath with Goliath's sword. - Samuel 17:51
The Ark causes all kinds of plagues to whoever has possession of it.
Plagues of rats, golden rats, tumors, you name it. And don't look in
the the thing! God will torch you on the spot. Uzzah, one of the most
unfortunate characters in the Bible, tries to steady the Ark in transit
after his ox stumbles. The Ark fries Uzzah on the spot simply for
trying to keep it from falling! Samuel 6:2-10 or was it I Chronicles
13:6-13. I don't remember which. Might be both.
After Tamar is brutally raped by her brother Amnon her other brother
Absalom "comforts" her with these words: "Has that Amnon, your brother,
been with you? Be quiet now, my sister; he is your brother. Don't
take these things to heart" - II Samuel 13:1-20
The God approved army of Judah slaughters the entire God-disapproved
army of Zerah the Ethiopian. One million men die in the bible's single
largest slaughter. II Chronicles 14:8-13
Elijah takes a trip to Heaven to see God and becomes the first person
in heaven without dying (though later Jesus states to no person has
ever been to heaven). II Kings 2:11.
God admits that the only reason He saved the chosen people is because
He wanted someone to worship Him. - Isaiah 43:20-21
God also admits that He gave His people bogus laws and rituals in the
wilderness to make their lives miserable. Ezekiel 20:25-26
New Testament Oddness
Joseph wants a divorce after he finds out that Mary is pregnant. God
sends an angel to talk him out of it. Matthew 1:18-24
Nowhere in the New Testament does it say that Jesus was born on the
25th of December nor does it name the date he rose from the dead.
With God's blessing untold numbers of innocent children are
slaughtered. Matthew 2:16
"You cannot serve both God and money" - Matthew 6:24 and Luke 16:13.
So much for Jesus making giving my job meaning.
Jesus complains to a crowd at Galilee that "I came to you eating and
drinking, and you say 'Look, a glutton and a drunkard..'" - Matthew
11:19, Luke 7:34
A not-so understanding Jesus asked "Are you so dull?" when his
disciples ask him about a parable. Mark 7:17-18
Jesus matter of factly declares that some of his original disciples
will still be alive at the 2nd coming when the Earth is destroyed.
Mark 13:26-30, Matthew 24:30-34, Luke 21:27-32
Jesus later states "You faithless generation, how much longer must I be
among you? How much longer must I put up with you?" - Mark 9:19
(funny, I think this about my employees all the time).
The water-into-wine miracle comes about when Mary says to her son Jesus
"they have no more wine". Jesus provides a thoughtful response: "Dear
women, why do you involve me?".
Jesus heals with his spit. Mark 7:33,8:29; John 9:6-7
anyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground on unchastity,
causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced women
commits adultery - Matthew 5:32,19:2; Mark 10:11-12;Luke 16:18
Jesus teaches that it's okay to be pushy and annoying as long as the
result is worthwhile. Luke 11:5-10
Jesus begs God not to kill him. Matthew 26:39-44; Mark 14:32-36; Luke
Jesus never carried his own cross, some guy named Simon was forced to,
and he didn't volunteer. Matthew 27:32; Mark 15:21; Luke 23:26
Matthew and Mark do not mention that Jesus was nailed to the cross.
Luke does in the book of Acts, and John does as well, but only after
the fact and long after Jesus is dead and buried. To make matters much
more unclear they only mention his feet being nailed to the cross; they
never mention his hands. John 20:25, Acts 2:23
Jesus was not mourned when he was crucified, he was mocked by passerby
and by the other two people crucified with him. Matthew 27:39 27:44;
Mark 15:29 15:32
Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John can't agree on the final words of Jessus.
Matthew and Mark lift words straight out of the old testament (My
God, My God, why have you forsaken me?) while Luke goes with "Father,
into Your hands I commend my spirit" and John, the winner for brevity,
goes with "It is finished". Matthew 27:46, Mark 15:34, Luke 23:46, John
Jesus' death triggers an invasion of zombies into Jerusalem. Matthew
In what may be the oddest of all things, when Jesus appears to his
disciples for the first time after his crucifixion his first words are
"Have you anything to eat?" - Luke 24:41
Jesus states that "no one has ever seen God" in John 1:18 even though
Ezekiel had (Ezekiel 8:1-2) as had others.
John manages to misquote his own scripture - John 18:9 cites John 6:39
The mother of Jesus was the planet Venus? Jesus tells John that he is
"the offspring of David and the bring Morning Star". Revelations 22:16
I could go on, but I have to get back to work.