[at-l] Re: Cabin Fever?

[janl2@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx (janl2@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx)]

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You know, I am starting to get a familiar feeling. It's coming on stronger =
every day as things get wedged into storage, as I pack up my life to spend =
six months on the AT. It is a very insecure, rootless feeling. (I wonder if=
 those of you AT hikers who are leaving a spouse at home to keep the home f=
ires burning have a similar feeling.)

But it's deeper than that, and here is something I bet all share but aren't=
 talking about too much. We like to joke about being NUTS, or CRAZY or INSA=
NE before a big hike, but really, what I'm experiencing right now is insecu=
re, and doubting the wisdom of this venture.

All of a sudden, it seems like a foolish thing to do. Not worth doing. I me=
an, I'm arresting my career. When I return, there will be no familiar place=
 that is "home." My bank account will be severely hit. The sheer effort it =
has taken to arrange my life to get out there has been overwhelming, at tim=
e.

Now, doubt is now a familiar friend. I remember feeling this way just befor=
e the Long Trail. An honest person SHOULD question themselves.

Yet something this momentous and disruptive as a six-month hike doesn't hap=
pen on a whim. The impulse runs deep, like a river.

When I look back on the Long Trail, I see I wouldn't have missed it for the=
 world. From the moment I shouldered my pack - no, scratch that, I remember=
 a panic thought then - from the moment I set foot on the Trail, my thought=
s were focused there. There was surety. Concern dropped away.

And so now, with less than two weeks to go, the doubts run through like tic=
ker tape. I am just sitting with them, watching them, letting them run like=
 a movie. Trying not to let my attention get "hooked" by it to the extent I=
 believe in the doubt and let it regulate my actions.
To experience doubt is one thing. Natural, to be expected, I remind myself.=
 To believe it and act on it is another. You can only second-guess yourself=
 so much, and then you have to let it go.

Sometimes our minds are not our best friends, eh? They get us into this, an=
d then they say "my god, WHAT have you done? Stop before it's too late. Qui=
t and get back into the box."

Well, the truth is, it's too late for that. Even if I stayed home, the "dam=
age" has already been done. Since there is no turning back now, there is no=
thing to be done but exhale... plan maildrops...finish packing...tying up 1=
9 million loose ends...

Because, on the inner landscape, this is epic. How to turn away from that? =
There IS no turning back...

Jan LiteShoe
AT Class of '03
12 days...



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[ Converted text/html to text/plain ]
My dear Kat, you are NUTS, or else you'd be in line with the rest of the wo=
rk
a day robots.

Soleman

-------Original Message-------

From: hikersRus@yahoogroups.com[1]
Date: Friday, February 14, 2003 1:45:27 PM
To: hikersRus@yahoogroups.com[2]
Subject: [hikersRus] Cabin Fever?
 Is anybody else starting to get it, I can't sleep at night, I've
thought about moving up the date a hundred times but I won't. This
wait is driving me NUT'S!!!!!!!!!
Crazy Kat
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