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[at-l] Trail newbie (long)
Ginny,
I always look forward to your email.=20
Your thoughts on our fears really hits close to home.
When do we develop these fears, and why?
I was always a fearless kid. I never worried about things that go bump
in the night, falling off my bike, getting lost or hurt.
In Boy Scouts we frequently had weekend camping trips to the Catskills.
We went to a place called "North Lake" & a few of us would just go hike the=20
Escarpment trail, and many of the local trails, putting in a good 15 - 20=20
miles
without giving it a 2nd thought. This, without the aid of trail maps, compas=
s=20
or
water. Just with a few knives & a couple packs of matches.
Now I would bring about 10 pounds of "stuff" in a day pack to make me feel=20
secure (maps, water, lighter, 1st aid kit, etc., etc.).
My life is now built around "stuff" I need to keep my fears at bay
So when did I start fearing things? I don't remember any single event, or a=20
series=20
of events that led to my current fears. I just woke up one day (as an adult)=
,=20
and
there they were.=20
Looking back. I should have made a perfect backpacker.
I was (am) a loner, never fit in in groups, I loved walking, hiking,=20
backpacking,=20
biking, and just being in the outdoors in general.=20
Now I am a person with more fears than Carter has pills. I have an excuse fo=
r=20
everything.=20
I always have a pain, an injury or something to stop me from doing things=20
(that never
used to stop me). With few exceptions, I never do the things I REALLY want=20
to do.
I used to go weekend backpacking 1-2 times a year, now I never do.
I used to do things on the spur of the moment (Oh yeah, I got married, can'=
t=20
do=20
that any more), like road trips in my car,on my Motorcycle, weekend=20
backpacking (just throw sh-- in the pack & go).
The few exceptions are :
I biked through Virginia in the 80's (about 350 up & down miles).
Weekend backpacking trips in the late 80's early 90's.
I ran a marathon in 1990.
I biked across Iowa (570 miles) in 1992.
Other than that, not much. A little trail maintenance (1999-2000), that's it=
.
Now I sit & ponder my fears...
Why do I suddenly not like noises in the night (I used to camp under a tarp)=
.
For some reason I am paranoid when it comes to mice, skunks, bears, etc.=20
(what's up with that?).
Why am I afraid to do things alone? I have this pack mentality, I need other=
s=20
with me to do things (this never used to be true).
Why am I afraid to face my fears, when I want to so badly?
I have this great need to accomplish things in my life (so far I have only a=
=20
few=20
things I am proud of, the rest of my life I classify as a waste of time).
I think I am afraid to fail, afraid to succeed, afraid to try...=20
I need to get up the courage to face all my fears, or live a life regretting=
=20
the=20
fact that I never faced them. (this is where I currently am)
You stated :
>>
Those fears you have that are based on your abilities and willpower are=20
real, a lot of people do go home, but you are the one who determines whether=
=20
they are enough to stop you.=A0 (I have a phobia of falling - it affects me=20
whenever I cross narrow or steep places where falling is a possibility. In=20
other words, often.=A0 But I can't let it stop me from doing what I really=20
want to do.) If you don't let them stop you, you may discover other=20
strengths you didn't know you had. I know that when I realized that I could=20
finish the AT after all on that first long hike, I felt like I had found my=20
wings,.
As to those fears that are based on "things that go bump in the night&
quot; -=20
those are less likely to be real.=A0=20
<<
I have fears in both areas, both in the trail world & in the real world.=20
My goal in life, is to face my fears. They have been running my life for=20
years.
So far... I am not doing so good...
Maybe with all your help, I can turn things around & feel good about myself.
Damn... I sound like a Dear Abby letter... I will stop here...
Ginny, thanks for all your help & advice in your email & in person.
I really appreciate it.
Russ
On 1/22/01 at 4:13 AM, Jim and/or Ginny Owen <spiriteagle99@hotmail.com>=20
wrote:
>>
Hi - This is a bit disjointed, as I have too much to say, and it's too late=20
for me to be really coherent.=A0 I may ramble a bit.=A0 After all, I'm a Gin=
ny=20
nut, right guys?
I thruhiked the AT alone in 1988 and 92 (well I started alone on that one,=20
even if I didn't finish alone, but then, on the AT, you're rarely alone for=20
long) - then went on to hike the CDT and PCT with my husband.=A0 On each hik=
e,=20
I wondered whether I/we would be able to do what we hoped. There is always=20
the question of whether you are strong enough (mentally, emotionally and=20
physically) or lucky enough to finish.=A0 On my first hike I didn't really=20
KNOW that I would finish until I crossed the Kennebec, half-way through=20
Maine. On my second hike I knew I could do it, the question became whether I=
=20
really wanted to enough to put up with the difficulties. On the CDT, the=20
challenge was so much greater, that despite having hiked so many miles (over=
=20
9000 at that point,) there was still a question of whether we could handle=20
the physical and emotional challenges. (We aren't getting any younger.)=A0 T=
he=20
PCT was easier, but again, the question arose: given all the physical=20
problems we were having and the attitude problems we were having with the=20
trail, will we finish?=A0 In each case, we really really wanted to finish, a=
nd=20
so we did.
I don't know what fears you have. We each have our own set.
Those fears you have that are based on your abilities and willpower are=20
real, a lot of people do go home, but you are the one who determines whether=
=20
they are enough to stop you.=A0 (I have a phobia of falling - it affects me=20
whenever I cross narrow or steep places where falling is a possibility. In=20
other words, often.=A0 But I can't let it stop me from doing what I really=20
want to do.) If you don't let them stop you, you may discover other=20
strengths you didn't know you had. I know that when I realized that I could=20
finish the AT after all on that first long hike, I felt like I had found my=20
wings,.
As to those fears that are based on "things that go bump in the night&
quot; -=20
those are less likely to be real.=A0 What I learned was that I was much safe=
r=20
alone in the woods than I am going to the grocery store in the middle of the=
=20
afternoon, here in the city.=A0 Bad things can happen, but most of the time=20
they don't, especially if you exhibit some common sense (i.e. bring a tent!)=
=20
And I met a lot of really good people on the trail - a lot more than I ever=20
knew existed before I went hiking.=A0 There are good people everywhere, but=20
there is something about the long trails . . .
Before we did the CDT I made a list of what I hoped and what I feared about=20
thruhiking the trail, based on everything I had read or heard about it. What=
=20
I found was that some of what I feared was real (getting lost, dealing with=20
rough terrain, extreme weather, injury, being cold, wet, hungry, tired,=20
thirsty, afraid, etc.) but what I found was that I could handle whatever=20
came. It wasn't always easy, but it was doable. And what was also true were=20
the hopes I had - living in the natural world, surrounded by incredible=20
beauty, seeing wildlife, facing and meeting real challenges, experiencing=20
real freedom, serenity, etc.=A0 I found the list, which I'll attach at the e=
nd=20
of this, if anyone is interested.
I invite others to try it, write down what your expectations are - both good=
=20
ones and bad ones. It can be a lot of fun to look back later and laugh at=20
the silly fears and shrug at the sane ones and smile at the hopes we held=20
and see where reality lies.
Enjoy - thruhiking is an experience like no other, and one I highly=20
recommend to anyone who really has the "fire in the belly".=A0 It=20
isn't easy,=20
but it can be very worthwhile.=A0 Not fun, but happiness.
Ginny
********
FEARS AND EXPECTATIONS
What do you expect out of your thruhike?=A0 What do you fear?=A0 No matter h=
ow=20
much research you do ahead of time, reality is always different from
expectations.=A0 For fun - consider what your expectations are for the trail=
.=20
Best hopes - worst fears.=A0 These were some of mine:
Growth - learning - serenity
Ability to go back to being happy with myself - with Life.=A0 Lose some of
the cynicism.
Growing closer to Jim - fear of getting too close too.=A0 Will I bore him?
Irritate him?=A0 It's a lot of togetherness.
Total immersion in nature - time to sit on a mountain peak and stare across=20
the ridges, across the plains, time to watch the sky, the clouds, the stars.=
=20
=A0 Happiness.
Fear that the push for miles will not allow enough play time.
New experiences with animals - grizzlies, elk, moose, etc. That always
gives me joy.
Moments of joy - moments of peace.
Closeness to God - time to pray.
I don't really expect much in the way of contact with people.=A0 Possible
conflict with locals - some trail magic maybe, mostly indifference I think.
The lack of other hikers will be different.=A0 Good in many ways, but there=20
won't be the kind of comradery we knew on the AT.
Fear of not being physically and emotionally strong enough.=A0 Can I do long=
=20
miles, day after day, without breaking down?=A0 What if it gets to be sheer=20
drudgery?
Fear that Jim is not strong enough.=A0 Will one of us get injured?=A0 What i=
f
we get sick? If one is injured, what then? Separation?=A0 Could we?=A0 Would=
we?=20
=A0 Could I watch him go with out me?=A0 Could I hike alone without him?=A0=20=
Could=20
I abandon the hike after waiting so long?
Hope of getting strong again - getting my body back.=A0 Dancing across the
rocks.=A0 (Also crawling across the talus fields.)
I know we'll get tired of our food - and at the same time, we'll always be=20
hungry.
Weather - I hate cold and wet, but we're likely to run into a lot of that.
We'll learn to read maps better, read the land, learn to flow with the land.
Hopefully we'll get back our ability to know what matters, and what really=20
isn't important.
Flexibility - most important gift of the trail.
Self reliance - we can do it.
Growth as outdoors people and as individuals.=A0 Going to graduate school.
Life reduced to the basics - this moment, this day, this mountain.=A0 One
minute at a time.
Fear - getting caught in a thunderstorm, a blizzard, with a grizzly or a
mountain lion.
After trail fears - where will we go?=A0 How will we live?=A0 Can we go back=
to=20
"normal" life?
What we have been told about the CDT: Expect to get lost, a lot.=A0 Expect
bad weather, year around.=A0 You need to be flexible.=A0 It is hard.=A0 You=20=
won't=20
see anyone out there.=A0 Those who have hiked it don't seem to have the same=
=20
kind of love for the trail that AT hikers have - except Jim Wolf.=A0 Is that=
=20
just because it is so hard?=A0 The trail is a trial.
I romanticize thruhiking, the mountains, etc. It is one aspect of life, it=20
isn't life itself.=A0 Or is it?
I want to be able to say, "I walked here all the way from Canada."=
=20
Even
more, I want to go back to our friends and say, "We did it."
We could lose our lives over this.=A0 Is it worth it?=A0 It is only six mont=
hs.=A0=20
But what a six months.
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