Re: [at-l] Life and love on and off the Trail

["David Hicks" <daveh@usit.net>]

Wed, 5 Apr 2000 19:49:40 EDT KarenS62@aol.com wrote:

SNIP
>So does this mean that in our quest for the "perfect" partner we must find
>someone who's dreams and goals match ours exactly? Or is it just as
important
>to find someone who believes that dreams do come true? That all of my
dreams
>may not match all of yours and it's okay but that truly loving includes
doing
>everything possible to make your partner's dreams come true.

>I guess this goes right along with the "no apologies" thing. If having my
>partner achieve his dream makes me as happy as achieving my own dream, then
>there really is no reason to apologize because it is a win/win situation.
SNIP

I am no professional in personal relationships, yet based on still being
married to the same wonderful woman after 36 year, I think that you have it
close to right.

However, I suspect that the concept of "pursue our dreams, achieve our
goals" needs to be subdivided into two different categories -- major
categories:

1) Basic personal values, expectations of how a couple/family/team/etc
works/relates/solves problems/etc, and the couples joint dreams and goals
for themselves as a couple/family/team/etc.

        vs.

2) Each individual's dreams and goals for themselves.  Not only those that
are career related, but especially those which are activity or recreational
related when they make up one partner's persona.

Without going into lots of details, my wife and I are as different as day
and night in the second category.  Never in her life would she enjoy
hiking/camping/fishing/etc; nor I, shopping/cocktail parties/living in
town/etc.  BTW -- just so you don't think this is stereotypical male/female
list of activities; she is the organized sports fan, not I.  She knows far
more about professional football than I would ever want to know.

However, we started off fairly close together in the first category of
values, expectations, dreams and goals and have worked very hard to improve
the situation -- often with professional help along the way.

So, having my partner achieve her dream makes me as happy as achieving my
own dream, because in the first category her dream and my dream are the same
(or coterminous) and in the second category I know her individual dreams and
goals are what makes her the woman I love, and she knows....  The point is
that truly loving does not includes doing everything possible to make your
partner's dreams come true to the denial of what makes you who you are; nor
should your partner allow that, as it would make you a pawn, or lackey, to
your partner's desires.  Once that happens, you are no longer equal
partners, but a manipulator and the long (or short) suffering manipulated.
You need a lot of give and take.  However, if you are solid in the first
category this "give and take" in second won't pull you off of you
foundation.

So my point is that I suspect that it can be a lot easier to create a
win/win situation, if you work on seeking a good match in the first category
of values, expectations, dreams and goals, rather than looking for someone
who simply enjoys the same activities that you do.

I don't think it is all that hard to find and maintain such a relationship,
if you know what to look for -- someone who shares the same basic life
values and similar expectations for a couple/family/team/etc, not someone
who just happens to like what you like or who likes to do what you like to
do.

Hope this wasn't too heavy.

Chainsaw




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