Re: [at-l] New Hampshire Idiots, Volume 2

[goinggoinggone@webtv.net]

Perhaps we're missing the point about cell-phones and their "misuse" in
the woods, and should instead be asking ourselves, "how might we as a
concerned community further the salvation of the human race by
~encouraging~ the perception that a cell-phone in the mountains will
save lives?" My answer is that we need to meld an appreciation for the
benefits of wireless technology with an understanding of evolutionary
science.
Let's forego the pointless discussion of whether or not to charge the
insanely reckless for their rescue and instead spend our energys on
promoting the formation of training programs for 911 operators who would
be specifically tasked to handle wireless emergency calls only: cellular
triage, if you will. The first response rescuers would of course always
be dispatched to the more "usual" emergencys, traffic accidents,
assaults, etc., but when a call for help from a mountain or wilderness
area is received, that is when the special training of the "cell-911"
operators would come in. The first line of questioning, of course, would
be as to were there any life-threatening injuries that would require
immediate response, and the triage function would end at that point, for
irregardless of how poorly or well prepared a hiker is, anyone can take
a tumble and break a bone or lacerate a vessel, and help would be
dispatched immediately. If no emergent injuries were reported, then the
questions to the caller would focus on the next level of distress, which
would typically be answered with statements as to being lost, wet and
cold. The next step in the triage process would require the operator to
question each person in the group to determine if there were any
children, or dependent adults in the group, i.e., anyone who would not
have had a choice about being in a situation requiring rescue. If such
persons were present, rescue would be dispatched immmediately. If it
were determined that all persons requesting rescue were adults who were
at their location through their own choice, then the special training of
the operators would be as focused as a scalpel at this point ( this
would be an excellent job-opportunity for through-hikers in the colder
months): the questions now would determine preparedness, motivation, and
sobriety. If the distressed persons were judged to be well-prepared and
equiped, then the operators would help talk the callers through the
process of setting up their shelter, and getting any potentially
hypothermic individuals warmed up. Even the best of us get in a little
over our heads sometime, and a patient redirection to basic survival
techniques will no doubt quell the anxiety-attack that promped the 911
call, and ensure a positive outcome without rescue being needed. If the
distressed persons meet none of the above criteria, then this is where
the promotion of the use of cell-phones pays off, for all of us.
Because, were it not for the ubiquitous availability of cell-phones and
the relentless promotion of their utility as a way to obtain "rescue on
demand", the poor souls who are in this final triage classification, who
are inevitably going to be unprepared idiots who are likely also drunk,
or stoned, would never have had the "courage" to be were they are were
it not for that blessed little box of transistors that they see as their
salvation. And where they are is exactly where we, as a specie, need
them to be. Remember when there were no wireless phones? Fools who
ventured into the mountains without a thought or a clue as to what might
be required were usually found at the spring thaw, if ever. This is
called natural selection: the unfittest meet their demise proportionally
sooner than more prepared or intelligent individuals, and thus,
hopefully, do not have the opportunity to pass their genetic heritage to
the next generation. So, as the population of our overburdened little
sphere surges to ridiculous levels, let us give thanks to the Divine
Providence that has inspired the visionarys who have made possible the
advent of "wireless in the woods". For in the final act of our triage
play, the 911 operators may now assure the frozen few in this last class
for the brain-dead that rescue is on the way, which of course it will
not be, for why, at the very last, should the hopeless be disabused of
their illusions? Thus is the wireless world, through its recent
herniation into the formerly sterile wilderness, helping to ensure a
brighter tomorrow for all of us.
 
Al Gomez
GA->ME '72