[pct-l] Donner Stew

[Tom Sweetnam <savamutt@razorlogic.com>]

SAVAMUTT'S backcountry trail recipe #112:

Teriyaki Mountain Biker on a Stick  (feeds four hungry adult
backpackers).

Before you can properly prepare this hearty backcountry favorite, you
must first watch the movie Papillon, especially the scene where the
Hispanic prisoner (remember him?...the one who used to be a regular on
Sanford & Son), is running through the jungle with Papillon, and is
skewered by that really cool Indian booby trap -that big branch with all
those sharp stakes attached to it. Thwack!! Almost instant death. Take
notes. You'll be making one of those booby traps for your very own next
time you hike a section of the PCT...or especially the Bizz Johnson Rail
Trail in Susanville, when half a dozen sixteen year-old mountain bikers,
having started out eleven miles back up the trail, not hitting their
brakes even once during a lonnnnnng decent, scream past you doing 88
mph, forcing you and your dog to jump off the rail bridge onto the rocks
below, and to curse the sorry no good son of a #$++!!* who dreamed up
spandex, glacier glasses, and fat tires in the first place.

So anyway, shock cord makes a pretty good trip line for springing your
booby trap across the trail. Timing is everything though. And technique
too, of course. Ideally, you want to zap the little beggar while he's
doing about 60 mph, up about mid chest, so the spiked branch lifts him
right up off his saddle without affecting the trajectory of the mountain
bike whatsoever. And while he's gurgling and flailing at the end of his
twanging branch, like a large mouth bass on 30 pound test line, you can
watch the bike skeedaddle on down the trail for another mile or so
before it even starts thinking about tipping over. And if you're with
other backpacking family members, you can all have some good clean fun
taking bets on exactly how far that mechanical insult to backcountry
serenity will go before its kinetic energy finally gives up the ghost.
By the time it does finally tip over, the main ingredient for tonight's
dinner should probably have stopped his screaming, kicking, and flailing
by now...and you're ready to start cookin'.

Next, take your spiked stick, with mountain biker attached, and lay it
across the spit you've previously assembled. Collect lots of wild onions
and hopefully some potatoes and a carrot or two, and stuff them up under
every piece of spandex you can find. In this capacity, spandex does a
jam up job of keeping stew vegetables and other condiments in place
while you roast and baste your Teriyaki Mountain Biker on a Stick, only
don't get your main course too close to the fire, on account of spandex
tends to melt. Just let him cook real slow like, and don't forget to
baste him liberally with teriyaki sauce about every twenty minutes or
so. Then, about ten minutes before he's done, when he's all bubbly and
golden brown, stuff about six cups of Minute Rice up under his shirt and
let it steam cook. Yummy! There you have it folks. Enough grub to
satisfy even four of the hungriest PCT thru-hikers any day of the week,
and it's high in protein too. Bon appitit.

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