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[pct-l] Post Trail Adjustment another reply (long)
Yesterday marked 30 days since I left the trail after five and a half months in the woods, and I ventured back to "city life". I guess that I am happy to say that I am a social misfit, and I am not making the adjustment and/or transition very smoothly.
I guess it was a good thing to come back to society in the midst of the holidays; although, I have to say that I found myself feeling a bit shell shocked by all of the commotion and commercialism.
The first month off of the trail found me nursing my mother after her surgery. This gave me a purpose, and in my spare time, I went about the business of learning a craft so that I could make Christmas gifts for my family.
During this time, it occurred to me that my life in the city did not have to be nearly as complicated as I had been making it. I immediately went through all of my personal posessions and made a drastic downsizing which I felt would simplify my life. What in the world was I thinking???? Who needs so much STUFF?????
So, here I am..... mom is up and around after her surgery... the holiday is behind me, and I find myself feeling just a little bit lost. How do I go about fitting myself back into society without losing the sense of self and freedom that I gained while living on the trail? How do I retain that innate knowledge of what's important and what's not... while life in the city is bearing down on me to conform and adapt?
Maybe this is clinical depression... maybe it's not. What I can tell you, is that this is real for me. I would love to hear from some folks who had similar feelings upon returning from trail life. How did you adjust?
Right now, I am taking baby steps to reassimilate. Hooooo boy. It's scary.
Splash
Class of 05
Paul Magnanti <pmags@yahoo.com> wrote:
After my lengthy essay yesterday, received a reply.
A couple of items peaked my interest.
It also made me write another long essay. You've be
warned. :)
First, I was surprised someone actually bothered to
wade through my lengthy rambling.
Second, it was interesting to see their reply.
Thought it added another dimension to the discussion.
Since the person wrote me off list, I will only
excerpt what the person wrote. If that person wishes
to reply and add to the discussion on-list, then
please do.
If not...well, that is cool, too.
Anyway, the person wrote:
"It's always been my thoery that long-distance hikers
are self-medicating for depression, which returns
forcibly as soon as
the hike is over."
As I was on my run last night (more of a slow plod,
really),
I was thinking. Do we, meaning long distance hikers,
really
self medicate? Are we nothing more than social
misfits? People
addicted to an endorphin high? The only people we can
relate to are other people
who also don't fit it; people who break the heart of
kith and kin?
There may be some truth to that we "self
medicate"...to an extent.
I think of myself. I was indeed mildly depressed after
the PCT. (And
I think had every right to de depressed after the AT.
Parents divorcing,
a lost home and a family pet deceased to boot should
be a synopsis of a country music song..not the way to
end a thru-hike! :D). But I got over it. The passage
of time. Continuing to be active. Being involved in a
community I care about.
At this point I should be content in my life. I have a
job that I enjoy.
Great friendsin Boulder who I love like my family.
Find something challenging and rewarding to do almost
every weekend. But I need more. Why?
Think it is common for some people to want this
roaming in their life.
Steinbeck said it best in TRAVELS WITH CHARLIE:
"When I was very young and the urge to be someplace
else was on me, I was assured by mature people that
maturity would cure this itch. When the years
described me as mature, the rememdy perscribed was
middle age.
In middle age I was assured that greater age would
calm my fever....Nothing has worked. In other words, I
don't improve, in futher words once a bum always a
bum. I fear the disease is incurable."
Was Steinbeck depressed? Or did something in him want
to explore the country? To again see the common
people he wrote so eloquently about?
Traveling, exploring, seeking. It is part of us. For
many, the day to day life is enough. A lover's hug.
The warmth of the kitchen on a cold day. A beer or two
with a good friend.
All important things..all good. But something calls
on us to seek more.
What pulled our distant ancestors out of the savanah?
Made Lewis and Clark explore the land east of the
Mississipi? Moved the ancient Polynesians explore the
Pacific in canoes with only the stars to guide them?
There had to be more than depression. Something
calling to them. To explore. To seek. To discover.
In 2005 we can not be like our distant ancestors
exploring a strange land.
We can not look at a map and say "There be dragons".
But we can explore what is new to us. Where every day
there is a new sunset. A new view on the ridge on a
distant chain of mountains.
Over the past six months or so, have been reading
journals of Lewis and Clark. Monday night I read a
passage about their passage through the White Cliffs
of Montana. Lewis wrote about his passage with this
line: "As we passed , it seemed
those scenes of visionary enchantment would never
have an end".
Maybe that is why some of us go to the wilderness.
Those "scenes of visionary enchantment" are what we
need in our life. We also don't want them to end. We
somehow need to see and experience something that is
bigger than us. It is our spiritual fulfillment. Part
of what makes us complete.
But a large part of why many of us do these wilderness
pilgrimages is for the experiences, the memories, the
living of life to its most simple components.
As I ponder why many of us seek out wilderness
experience, my thoughts turn to a quote by Shackelton:
"In memories we were rich. We had pierced the veneer
of outside things....
We had seen God in His splendours, heard the text
that Nature renders. We had reached the naked soul of
man."
In this harsh Antartic beauty, where they were reduced
to eating their sled dogs to survive, Shackleton and
his crew still saw how what they were experiencing
was something special. In a smaller way, I think a
long voyage in the wilderness seems to bring about the
same types of
feelings. We will never have an epic journey such as
Shackleton. Most of us will never scale Everest or
Denali. We will not cross the contintenal divide
before any Euro-Americans. We will not be able to look
at a map
and say "There be dragons". But, at least in some
way, by experiencing time in nature, we can at least
glimpse
"God in His splendors" and at least catch the
whispers of the "text that Nature renders".
And after several months on a journey, most of us have
reached and discovered our own soul, laid out bare. A
long journey seems to be a form of catharsis.
Stripping down the unessential, let us discovering
what truly is important. The end result is that we
do indeed wind up rich in memories. Long after the
blisters have healed and the muscles are no longer
sore, we remember that one special spot that will be
forever etched in our minds.
So, do we hike to self-medicate due to depression?
Maybe. But I think it is so much more. It is
experiencing life. Seeking. Exploring. Discovering.
Maybe not new lands..but lands that inspire us none
the less. And perhaps most importantly, being able
reach our own naked soul.
And that is why I think many of us hike.
Thankyou for reading this far. Maybe you find it a
pile of steaming manure. Or maybe not.
************************************************************
The true harvest of my life is intangible.... a little stardust
caught, a portion of the rainbow I have clutched
--Thoreau
http://www.magnanti.com
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