[pct-l] Re: Fear

[MedusaJ at aol.com (MedusaJ@aol.com)]

As a 2005 aspirant, my greatest fear is one that I think hasn't been 
mentioned yet:  money.  (Although some may have been able to read it between the lines 
of my posts.)  We're doing our thru-hikes back-to-back, or trying to, mainly 
because I don't want to go back into the "real world."  I want to figure out 
how to do this full-time, and that's tough.  I'm realizing how dependent on 
money we really are, for everything, and how being dependent on money makes us 
dependent on other things:  jobs, corporations, banks, other people.  What if we 
run out of money and return "home" literally penniless?  What if the money we 
have isn't enough to hike what I would call a "comfortable" hike?  I know 
that comfort has flexible definitions on the trail, but what I'm trying to define 
is what I need in personal comfort in order to be happy.  I know happiness 
isn't solely dependent on comfort, but to some degree, it is.

For instance:  I'm probably not going to have enough money to replace my 
synthetic bag with a down one--what if I'm miserable at night?  And I keep 
thinking of that $200 or whatever in terms of how many AYCEs that is, or breakfasts 
at diners, or motel rooms with air-conditioning after spending a week in 
blistering heat, or heck, a six-pack of beer in town.  All of these things add to my 
happiness on the trail, but to achieve them I have to sacrifice my freedom, 
and thus my happiness, in other ways, maybe by putting off my hike for another 
year and working, or whatever.  

It's brutal trying to figure out what you actually *need* to live, rather 
than what you want.  Really, we could go off and build a shack beside a mountain 
and live off the land, like the guy someone mentioned recently.  Or go find 
Chris McCandless's bus in Alaska.  So what do I need?  And how do I separate 
that from what I want?

Sorry if I'm angsting too much for a Thursday--I guess I haven't completely 
managed my zen yet.  (But on that note, what do you all think about the 
importance of thinking?  Does zen really promote no thinking, or just a different 
kind of meditative thinking?  I insist on believing that thinking about all this 
stuff, pondering it, analyzing it is the only way to make decisions that 
you're going to be happy with later.)

Anyway.  Come hell or high water, see y'all on the trail this year.

Marzipan
AT04



In a message dated 2/9/2005 9:37:57 PM Eastern Standard Time, 
pct-l-request@mailman.backcountry.net writes:

> "Generally, the things one regrets most are the things one never did. 
> Even it you do it and don't like it, still you did it and learned and 
> can move on."
> Ah, that was the other fear that I didn't mention; that I would decide to 
> not 
> take the risk and go through the hassel of all the planning and setting time 
> 
> and money aside in order to hike the PCT, and then, years later, sitting in 
> a 
> rocking chair, without the use of these strong young legs, I would wallow in 
> 
> my regret that I did not do then what I could have done and did not 
> experience 
> what I could have, back then, when I was young, strong, driven and able.  
>