[pct-l] Fear

[jjolson at uwyo.edu (Jeffrey J. Olson)]

Matt Bradley wrote:

>I think it is fascinating how many people are concerned that hiking the
>trail will make it impossible to tolerate returning to "the real world."
>Understandably theat could seem daunting if you are attatched to your
>current life.  Maybe it's just my youth (I am 21 and about to graduate from
>the U fo Oregon), but I really look forward to the changes thet the trail
>might bring.  Perhaps I'll never be comfortable with a "real world" job and
>I kind of like that.
>
I  love it when a 21 year old expresses wisdom beyond his years.  This 
gives me hope that perhaps social and cultural change is actually 
occurring, and a person doesn't need to garner enough years to develop 
wisdom.  I know way too many curmudgeons who have wisdom...

I've done three long section hikes of a month or more.  Each one of 
them  provided me with the experience to recognize the stark reality 
that I am going to die, and it is up to me to lead the kind of life I 
want.  Each trip allowed me to become more responsible for the choices I 
make in life, to integrate my own dying into my living.  I don't believe 
a long thru- or section-hike is a magic bullet that somehow clarifies 
other's definitions of what's real - and has me react like a ping pong 
ball to what I see is not for me. 

On the contrary, I was able to clarify what is real for me and see how I 
was able to create a life based in this clarification, or better, 
ongoing clarifying.  I like Matt's comment about being attached to one's 
current life.  This is where all fear comes from in my opinion.  Sure 
all the nameless fears that are part of performance anxiety rear their 
heads, but as far as I can tell, these are somehow part of the process 
of letting go of one pattern in living for one that as of yet has no 
pattern.  Perhaps it is the actual experience of the unknown and how all 
the routines and surfaces are roiled and shaken and destabilized that 
provides the personal ground to begin to lead a creative life. 

Isn't this what happens?  Don't we leave the trail with as much 
instability and uncertainty as we began it with?  And isn't this the 
milieu within which we make choices to create not only our personal 
reality, but the actual world we see?  My guess is there is not one 
section or thru-hiker who has not entered the busy-ness world with 
trepidation.  I think that much of the anxiety, both anticipatory and 
actual when re-entering comes from the sinking feeling I'm slowly 
allowing the world to define who I am and what I do. 

A long hike affords the opportunity for the busyness patterns to fall 
away and to come face to face with oneself.  New routines emerge.  New 
challenges present themselves.  How many of us have found a center on 
the trail that we were able to carry into life off the trail?  Were we 
able to continue "The Trip" or did we waft like a feather on the wind 
into the morass of a world that doesn't care whether I live or die? 

After three trips I'm still struggling with maintaining this center, my 
firm fixity on the presence of my own dying and what this means in how I 
live.  Temptation to re-attach is so strong, and there are so many of 
temptations with siren calls. 

Jeff Olson
Laramie WY