Re: [at-l] Relationships and the AT

[tmcginnis@ucclan.state.in.us (Thomas McGinnis)]

     Chainsaw:
     Thanks for a great post. But one of the things which you have added to 
     this conversation is "committment" -- as in "You and your wife are 
     obviously very committed to each other." That's what the marriage vows 
     look for in their construction -- especially the "in Good Times and in 
     Bad, in Sickness and in Health..." You can use the committment to grow 
     apart AND TO COME TOGETHER AGAIN, but only if it's there, and if it's 
     something to which both partners hold. Committment to the marriage 
     allows for time, growth, healing, forgiveness....And without it, the 
     marriage becomes a marriage of conveniance, waiting for the fair 
     weather to turn foul. Committment may be MORE vital than 
     communication! (trail related topic coming:) Committment would 
     certainly be needed to engage in a throughhike where one partner stays 
     home and supports, and another hikes.


______________________________ Reply Separator _________________________________
Subject: [at-l] Relationships and the AT
Author:  David Hicks <DaveHicks@worldnet.att.net> at ima
Date:    2/6/99 3:29 PM


Date: Fri, 5 Feb 1999 08:25:41 -0500 sdowns@premiertechnologies.com wrote:
     
SNIP
>                                        My marriage was in shaky shape 
>at the time. Since then, its been much worse.  I shan't go into the 
>details...some of you already know them. But it still makes me wonder: 
>
>Does the goal-oriented, independent, adventuresome attitude that a would-be 
>thru-hiker acquires cause marital problems?
>Or, does marital (or relationship) discord bring about these changes in a 
>person?
SNIP
     
I suspect that marital (or relationship) discord can bring about these 
changes in a person; yet, OTOH, changes in a person can bring about marital 
(or relationship) discord.  It seems to me changes bring about changes and 
it is a chicken and egg type thing.  Some can be all positive -- growth of 
individuals produces maturity in the relationship, which in turn, produces 
more growth of each individual which, in turn, produces ....  OTOH a 
positive change to an individual can cause a negative change in the 
relationship and vice versa.  To be sure, sometime the change in an 
individual just unmasks a flaw in the relationship, but that is too simple 
for to be universal.
     
OMHO changes in circumstances (jobs/roles -- student to bread winner, wage 
earner to mother, the empty nest, retirement, etc.), changes in 
medical/mental condition, (even changes in activities), etc. bring about 
changes in individuals.  Changes in individuals, in turn, bring about 
changes in what ever relationships they are in -- sometime good changes, 
sometimes bad.  However, they seldom, if ever, stay the same.
     
I have no idea what makes the change in relationships good or bad.  I 
suspect it has a lot to do with the individual's value systems, commitment, 
etc.; but even these are subject to change.
     
Christmas day '80 by wife had a massive stroke, followed by months of 
hospitalization and years in and out physical/speech/occupational/etc. 
therapy.  At the time of the stroke our relationship was a bit shaky.  Now 
we are closer than ever.  However, in the meantime, we have watched couple 
after couple fall apart.  The vast majority of the folk at the out therapy 
have split or have a very unhealthy relationship.  I don't think we would 
have made it w/o all the professional counseling we got/are getting.  Yet, 
others seem to fall apart even with the professional help.
     
Whether the relationship was good before or bad before does not seem to be 
the driver.
     
I guess what I am trying to say is that change is difficult on you, your 
partner, and the relationship; so, don't expect to get though any "major" 
change w/o help -- albeit even professional help might not be enough.
     
Chainsaw
     
     
     
     
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