Re: [at-l] Relationships and the AT

[Paula <paulers@ix.netcom.com>]

sdowns@premiertechnologies.com wrote:

> Does the goal-oriented, independent, adventuresome attitude that a would-be thru-hiker acquires cause marital problems?
> Or, does marital (or relationship) discord bring about these changes in a person?

I pretty much agree with what others have said, that it can go either
way.  Relationships are full of little 'patterns' ( for lack of a better
word) of behavior and communication.  after a long time they kinda
become like unwritten rules of how you work together and can range from
small things like household chores to how you argue - or don't argue, as
the case may be.  When one person experiences change, it causes changes
in all the patterns of how you fit together.  If the other person wasnt
ready for these they can feel like the world has shifted and nobody told
them.   An increase in independence by one partner can be viewed in many
different ways by the other.  They can feel seriously threatened - with
all the nasty bahaviors that go along with defending yourself from some
percieved threat; or they can welcome the change because they didn't
like the dependence anyway.  This can go either way, male or female, but
there are a lot of people who equate dependence to how much you love
them, they really NEED to be needed.  When you start being more
independent and not needing as much, then they may think you don't love
them as much, and begin to get all defensive & get into the cycle of
"i'll stop loving them before they stop loving me", trying to avoid
being hurt.

Plus, if one of the relationships very basic patterns was one of a
dependent person leaning on/following the strong one...  well, change
that and it shakes the whole relationship structure from the ground up. 
nothing irreparable, but it causes a need for some new patterns of being
together cuz many of the old ones were based on something that doesn't
exist anymore.  You almost have to date each other all over again.

I think a thru hike is often seen as a threatening or pivotal moment
because it is such an obvious display of independence.  it cant be
ignored, its pretty much in your face, im going to survive w/o you for
5-6 months...  of course, WE all realize it doesn't mean "i don't love
you or want you in my life", but if your partner is of the type that
needs you to need them for their own sense of self, its a pretty big
pill to swallow.  Especially cuz we are all so excited about doing it!   
of course, this is all just my opinions and all from a person who isn't
even married!  soooo, YMMV and all that!
-- 
Paula
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