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Joke du Jour Jan 19, 99: Skiing, Anyone?
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Joke du Jour (tm) Set 1. Volume 13; Issue 19. Jan 19, 1999
There is a reason why I prefer to vacation in the
Caribbean Islands vs *any* ski slopes.... Enjoy!
LadyHawke
~*~*~*~*~*~*
"How Did You Break Your Arm?"
(For SkiBrat who's skiing somewhere in Utah as we speak...)
Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the
humor of the slopes as written in this account by a New
Orleans' paper.
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with
the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.
Conditions were perfect. 12 below, no feeling in the toes,
basic numbness all over, "tell me when we're having fun"
kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband
that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to
worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top
of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in
distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go
away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you
know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help
matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her
options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain,
suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski
outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even
notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than
adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line,
began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've
ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is
a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't
move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong
way.
Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing
moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing
backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees, somehow
missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere and
the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her
knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.
She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating
an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you
define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided
violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her
arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her
husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to
the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who
transported her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with
an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.
"So. How'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.
"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding
up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There
was this crazy woman skiing backward out-of-control down
the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes
and pants down around her knees."
"I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize
how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."
"So, how'd you break your arm?"
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"Skiing, Anyone?"
Ahhhhh...the ski season is here. The following is
a list of exercises to prepare for it
10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in
the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards,
burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across
the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two
pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you
are looking for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble
in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around
your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw
one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for
a hamburger.Be sure to wait in the longest line.
5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket
and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the
ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as
long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following
an 18 wheeler.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button
and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost
believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then
proceed to take them off because you have to go to
the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday
and Sunday.
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