Re: [at-l] A Few More Questions

[Tim Hewitt <thewitt@fairchildsemi.com>]

Lucian Hicks <lucian@sierranv.net> scribbled:
> 
> 1. Should I bring the big cover thingee for my tent?

Absolutely. In Chapter 47 of my second book, I describe all the correct ways to
pitch a thingee, in any weather, in all possible conditions. It's part of the
REI Deluxe Kit so don't sweat it.
         
> 2. What do you do about...  you know... girls and stuff on a trip 
> that long?

The brothels are plentiful. They are the only structures that survived the Great
Ice Storm. They do not charge AT Thru Hikers.

> 3. Hatchet or saw?  Which is more useful on the AT?

Both are required and part of the KIT.

> 4. I can borrow a "Little Mermaid" sleeping bag from the kid next door.  
> Anyone have any experience with these? 
> Durability?  Warmth?

Absolutely NOT. You NEED the KIT and the variable thermal regulating
synthetic/natural filler blend gore-tex upper, coated nylon lower shell bag from
the Deluxe Kit. The Kit is the only place you can get this bag, and a successful
thru-hike is impossible without it. Besides, I get royalties.

> 5. About how many days will a Quarter Pounder With Cheese keep on the 
> trail?  Is that time reduced in warm summer months?

If you dry it correctly, it will keep indefinately. See Chapter 32 in my first
book. The chapter is titled, "Drying Commercially Available Fast Food for Fun
and Profit." In the back of that chapter, I also outline a plan to successfully
compete with Mountain House for only a $69 investment in a food drier of my
choice, and $250 for the detailed  plan, check made payable to me. 

> 6. Are there any books or maps about the AT?

Yes. In the reference section in the back of my book, I list all 1247 titles in
print about the AT. All are required reading. There will be a test at the
Springer Mountain Wanna-Be-A-Thru-Hiker College and Cullinary School. If you
fail the test, you are not allowed on the trail. A permit will not be issued.

> 7. Should I bring a gun, just in case?  How about a cellular phone?

Both are required. The Cell Phone is part of the Kit, however the choice of
which gun to bring is entire left up to you. You don't want planning this trip
to be too easy do you. 

You will not be allowed past the starting gate without proving ability with both
devices. You will be asked to recite the phone numbers of the gear suppliers for
each item of gear in your pack. Failure to identify one supplier and his phone
number correctly will result in a 30 day posponement of your hike and a
forfeiture of your thru-hiking permit. You may reapply for the permit after the
30 days passes, however you may not bring any of the gear you had the first
time.  A new supplier list is required for each repeat test. Fortunately the KIT
comes in different styles, so you may purchase a new KIT if your old KIT is no
longer acceptable for a thru-hike.

> 8.  I don't want to leave my dogs at home.  They are 8 of the most 
> well-behaved labrador retrievers you would ever meet. Will bringing 
> them negatively affect my wilderness experience?  Is there food 
> available for them on the trail?

Dogs are welcome on the AT, but only every other mile. In some sections,
they are prohibited for many sequential miles. There are shuttle services and
kennels that will take your dogs on the even miles, and in the parks. This is
currently under appeal and should be heard by the Supreme Court before the
thru-hiking season starts. The resulting judgement may impact your ability to
own a dog, if the dog's IQ is higher than your own.  From the sounds of your
questions, you may wish to let the dogs thru-hike, and have you perform support
duties for them.

> 9. If I meet a trail angel, and he offers me a Coke, and I want 
> Sprite...  I can ORDER him to go get me a Sprite, right?  I read 
> that somewhere I think.

You must have read that in the first chapter of my first book!  That's one of
the reasons you bring the gun.

> 10. What's the total amount of money, including everything, that 
> you get when you get to Maine?

This depends. If you can verify that you have passed all the white blazes
(notarized photo required), you get $3 a blaze. If however you have missed any
of the blazes, your hiking gear is repossessed and you are charged a rental fee
(you broke the RE-I Wanna-Be A Thru-Hiker Oath) for each night you were out with
the Kit.

>  Stir Crazy in Nevada...,

You can only stir crazy clockwise. Stirring counter-clockwise will
void the warranty.

YMMV
PDDG
DJAH
DLKS
JJKI
TTFN

-Paddler (PDLR)
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