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[at-l] WITH LIST APPENDED!/HIKERS ANON./OOOPS
OK. I goofed. Remembered to "copy," forgot to "paste." :-(
> OK, here's what I have up to 8:30 tonight, 12/9. The Meeting, Meeting
> Rules, Official Song (sung by the Dattettes), and Testimonial are
> appended at the end. -- Earthworm
Hikers Anonymous Association: Symptoms of those who should join.
1) A new hiking store opens and you have to go see what they have, even
though you have 3 sets of every piece of camping equipment ever sold.
2) A hiking or camping brochure arrives at work in the mail, and nothing
seems to get done all morning until you've read it 3 times and highlighted
new gizmos which you're sure you don't have.
3) When you walk into a hiking or camping store your teen age son or
daughter demands to hold onto your wallet and credit card until you are
safely out of the store and on the way home
4) Your kitchen has salamis drying all year hanging from the ceiling just
in case you get an opportunity to catch a quick 2-3 day hike and need
ready access to dried meat.
5) Your closets and freezer are full of dehydrated food.
6) You eat your cereal at home with powdered milk.
7) You rush home every nite from work to read ATML or ATL or PCTL.
8) You see, and confront, and FAIL to resolve the contradictory urges to
acquire new gadgets and gear yet keep them out of your pack to keep from
exceeding x% of your body weight.
9) Pack manufacturers got "Caller I.D." just so they could know you were
calling, and ignore you.
10) While on the trail, even in conversation with other people, you refer
to yourself in the third person.
11) While in a highrise building's staircase, you can't climb up without
wondering and comparing what it would look like if the staircase were
unfolded and stretched along some ridge somewhere.
12) If rainy mornings leave you fearful of being wet and cold all day,
even though your home or workplace is in a walled structure.
13) If, once wetted by rain in a non-hiking environment, your first
thought is to reach for a comforting handful of gorp.
14) If extreme weather conditions of any sort instill curiousity about the
current conditions on top of Mt _______.
15) If word association tests of the phrase "2 miles" prompt the answer
16) If you screen someone's personal attractiveness based on your estimate
of how they'd look in a leanto in the morning.
17) If you refer to even a single piece of hiking gear with a proper name,
such as "Betsy," "Maybell," "Mack," or "Bill."
18) If you have ever gone to a cocktail party and used the phrase "Yeah,
but what's your trailname?"
19) If you remain incredulous that EVERYONE is not a member of The Clean
20) If you consider a hot shower to be a quasi-religious activity.
21) When it rains, even though you are at work, you want to drive home,
immediately put on your goretex jacket and see if it really will keep you
dry in a pouring downpour that goes on for 5 hours.
22) Same with your new tent.
23) You have an entire wardrobe of nylon shirts and pants, even though you
only take 1 with you when you hike.
24) You have more backpacks than underwear.
25) You wear Thorlo socks to the office.
26) If the walls of your cubicle are totally obscured with hiking
pictures, articles about hiking, maps, etc.
27) If you know the distances between shelters, road crossings, etc. on
"your" section of the Trail.
28) If you refer to a trail location as "my section," or "my overlook," or
"my campsite," etc.
29) When you are eating with friends (non hikers) and suddenly all is
silent except for the noise that you are making as you scrape every
fragment of barley from the soup bowl....and everyone is staring at you.
And you are reeeeaaly glad you came to your senses before you start to
lick the bowl.
30) You are prone to storing your spoon in your mouth between courses.
31) You repeatedly drive off the side of the road because you are looking
at the ridges and thinking "what a hell of a climb that gap would be."
32) You return from the grocery store all aglow because you found a new
line of 'meals in a bag'.
33) You fondle gear....even if it isn't yours.
34) On Thanksgiving, you thought about how much more food you could put
away if you were on the trail...
35) You smile and let out a great big sigh when you read this list!!
36) If you are in the middle of an important report for work, and you
forget completely about it because someone mentioned the word "Hiking."
37) You are eating dinner, and everyone is staring at you because you
tell the waiter you won't drink the water till you see it boiled.
38) You see a new tent model, and cause a 12-mile backup in traffic
because you jumped out of the car and left it in the middle of the road.
39) Your heart skips a beat when you see a bold sign stating "Tent Sale,"
then are crushed when you find out that means that they are selling cars
or furniture under a big tent.
40) If you'll buy any book that has "hiking," "backpacking," "AT," or
"trail guide" in the title.
([including] "The cAT in the hAT".) (well.....maybe [even in] the first
two paragraphs <g> .k./\ ) And you already have ALL of them that have
been published...in ALL of their editions.
41) When you quote "WEEKS TO GO" and "DAYS TO GO" countdowns to loved ones
and strangers alike, though usually to the backs of their heads.
42) If more that half of your closet space contains backpacking and hiking
(More like half the room ;-) -Milt) (ha- i have an entire room..
Phillips/gammara1@mediaone .net) (If you have a dedicated room for your
backpacking and hiking gear. Jeff Walters) (For us, it's one and a half
rooms, 2 closets, part of the living room, the entire basement and the
back of 2 pickup trucks. Walk softly but don't try to carry everything,
43) When looking at a gear catalogue, before looking at the price, you
check out the weight. If it's not listed, you move on to something else,
no matter how interesting it sounds.
44) You insist that your wife/husband/s-other wrap all your Christmas
gifts in brown paper with "Please Hold For AT Hiker" and "c/o General
Delivery" all over the outside with a big , fat , CFT (Cuban felt tip.)
45) You're found by the young clerk at the Mall Sporting Goods Store
sound asleep on a dozen or so Louisville Slugger's you carefully arranged
on the floor of aisle 9.
46) You get a warm and fuzzy feeling when you smell coleman fuel.
47) You think Viagra is the name of those good ole hiking soles that last
a long time.
48) You find the AT Data Book a good read and keep it by the nightstand.
49) When even your dog recognizes a white blaze.
50) You commonly say "hiking" to mean backpacking, when everyone else
51) When asked how long the hike was you reply with the number of weeks or
52) You DRIVE into a strange town and wonder where to pick up your mail
53) You start to recognize faces along the trail because you've passed/met
these other nuts before.
54) When your life is REALLY stressful by anyone's standards, but you
don't even seem to notice, because YOU KNOW that in about 70-something
weeks, you get to go on a nice, long hike.
55) You think "being off medication" means not taking vitamin I. (And
you know what Vitamin I actually is. -Paddler)
56) When you can't get away you really want to knock out the outside
bedroom wall or just set the tent up in the back yard!
57) You know you're addicted (or perhaps hopelessly beat up) when you
leave your Lekis by the staircase!
58) Whenever you travel on the east coast you try to pick out where your
route crosses the AT, even when you're flying. (When driving on the east
coast, you make a point of crossing the AT as often as possible so you can
point out the road crossings to friends and family... Sandy Downs)
59) When the marker on the in/out board at work is the AT symbol.
60) When you go to the store and check to see how many yards versus weight
on each brand of TP so you can be sure and have enough TP on the trail yet
keep it as lightweight as possible.
61) When some one asks you how old your shoes or other pieces of hiking
and non-hiking clothes are you reply "oh about X miles"
62) You eat at the stove, right out of the pot.
63) There's a pee bottle under your bed.
64) You use it.
65) Your computer sign-on password is AT-related.
66) Your computer wallpaper or screensaver is a USGS map.
67) You think Coleman fuel smells better than your wife's perfume.
68) Every time you type the word "trial" it inevitably comes out "trail."
And you don't bother to correct it.
69) While on non-hiking trips, the first thing you do after checking into
a motel/hotel is check the yellow pages for outfitters.
70) You have to explain to your traveling partner why all of the short
cuts and scenic routes you take seem to go past at least one outfitter.
71) You sit down to plan the family vacation and your wife says with full
support of the rest of the family, "The vacation this year will NOT
include backpacking, hiking, walking in the woods, having lunch by a
secluded waterfall, watching the sunset from the best viewpoint in the
mountains. In fact, if we even suspect that you are going to trick us
again, the only mountain you're going to see is Space Mountain!" With the
threat of Disney hanging over your head you are a beat person and give in
to anything they want.
72) Your eyes first gaze at a woman's calves instead of her ______!
73) At mealtime you consider a convenience store a five star restaurant.
74) You take your dinnerware at home on your camping trips.
75) You'd just as soon perc your coffee over an open fire.
76) Your coffee pot at home is used over an open fire.
77) You know every sleezy motel along the Appalachian Trail (Florida
78) You know every restaurant along the Appalachian Trail (Florida trail).
79) If the convenience store has a table inside or a picnic table outside
you consider it a restaurant.
80) At home you go outside to go to the bathroom.
81) When guests invite you to stay over you go to your car and pull out
your sleeping bag.
82) You fall asleep at 8 P.M.
83) If cooking directions at home include anything other than 'bring water
to a boil' you're confused.
84) You like oatmeal!!!
85) You weigh your new inflatable pillow with and without the air in it,
just to be sure.
86) You've had non-hikers back away from you after you announce you've
just got a new case of Esbits.
87) You experience a strange Pavlovian reaction when watching reruns of
the TV show Quincy.
88) You've worn duct tape on your ankles *and* a suit to church on the
89) Your "Idea of the Month" is Starbucks in a tea bag.
90) You've headlined a WWF event as "Super Makalu", the Hiking Pole from
91) You even weigh non-hiking equip just in case.
92) At home, you prefer sleeping on a mat on the floor then sleeping in a
***** MEETING NOTICE! *****
Subject: [at-l] Hiker Anon
Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 19:57:37
The first meeting of Hiker Anon, PA chapter takes place this
weekend at the Allentown Shelter. To help you get over your desires to
hike representatives from REI, EMS, Campmor and Nesters will have displays
of the newest gear. Be there or be square<G>
***** MEETING RULES! *****
From Bartholomew Lally
Subject: Re: ATML Hikers anonymous assoc
Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 00:35:27
Sorry, you cannot bring gear to meetings, you must also shower,
get a ride and no boots please. Remember we are here to recover.
*****OFFICIAL SONG! ********** (SUNG BY THE DATTETTES) *****
From Datto IsIn
Subject: Re: [at-l] A few more Hiking Anon.
Date: Sun, 6 Dec 1998 02:22:48
Straight from my adjacent Yamaha PSR 510 keyboard. Think funky
keyboard with some insitu sax here...wearing my sunglasses in front of
the monitor...okay everyone sing it one time with me out loud now...
I guess you better *slow* that buying down...
Mustbuy Sally now baby (da boom boom)
Guess you better slooow that buying down...
You've been runnin' all over town now...
Ooo! I guess you've gotta put your feet onnn the ground.
(Sing it to me one more time girls)
All you wanna do is hike around baby
(Hike, Sally, Hike)
All you wanna do is hike around baby
(Hike, Sally, Hike)
Come on, All you wanna do is hike around Sally
(Hike, Sally, Hike)
I'll tell you...
One of these early mornnnnings....
You're gonna be swiping that credit card.
Ha! Everyone shake it with me now and sing some more...
You bought you a brand new backpack
About ci 4165, Ha!
Now you come around, signifyin' woman
Girl you forget about that hike.
Mustbuy Sally (Ooo Sally)
I guess you better *slow* that hiking down.
Mustbuy Sally now baby (you go girl)
Guess you better slooow that hiking down...
(Everyone...Ray Charles it here..)
You've been runnin' all over towwwn
^Ooo^ I guess you gotta put those *feet* onto the ground.
Oh yes, baby you gotta put your feet..
Come on boss...Take it down from here girls...
Those swiping cards...
Those swiping cards...
Those swiping cards...
***** TESTIMONY *****
Hi! My name is Rich and I'm a Hikeaholic.
I don't know if the length of time of addiction affects cure but I have
been addicted since age 11 and will be 50 this month. Back in High School
one night while sleeping with the windows open over my bed (I had to give
that up when I got married but that's another confession), I had a strange
dream. I dreamt that the tent flaps would not stay shut and I had to get
up to close them a few times. When I woke the next morning there was an
inch of snow on the bed and the curtains were all tangled from my attempts
to keep the damn flaps closed.
Richard S. Lubitz --
Linda L. Patton, Reference Librarian, Strozier Library, Florida State Univ.
Tallahassee, FL 32306-2047 (850)644-5019 firstname.lastname@example.org
"A world without wilderness is a cage." -- David Brower
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