[at-l] PA Day Hike - The Definitive Truthful Report

[TOKTAADN@aol.com]

A disruption in the FORCE along the entire length of the AT was felt Sunday
morning as a most bizarre meeting and hike of the list's most eclectic and
disreputable members occurred at the AT parking lot on PA Route 501.  The
disruption somehow caused all the trail blazes to turn invisible for fifteen
minutes at the start of the hike.  This is the only possible explanation for
the fact that this group with over 8000 AT miles of hiking experience wandered
around aimlessly for those same 15 minutes before locating a white blaze.  Had
the leader of the group during this time not slipped me a twenty, you would
now be reading the name of this most accomplished hiker.

A brief appearance at the 501 shelter with a half dozen donuts brightened the
faces of the thruhikers who were staying there.  Sensory overload and old age
has rendered me unable to remember the names of the thruhikers I saw, though I
do remember the rapidity with which the donuts vanished.  Maybe the other trip
reports will supply this missing info.

Being in the company of persons excluded from the ATML no doubt will ruin my
reputation, but if one doesn't live dangerously, one has not lived at all.
Only the lack of Tom Caggiano prevented this to be the most notorious meeting
of cyber-hikers of all time.  Being a dual lister, I beg for mercy for the
sins of my associations.

About an hour after the hike got started your humble correspondent learned
first hand the meaning of the phrase "hike your own hike."  We reached the
blue blazed side trail that led down the mountain to the start of the "500
Showers Steps."  Pittsburgh informed the group that the hike plan included the
tour of the Showers Steps.  The members of the group took one look down the
sheer near vertical cliff face masquerading as a blue trail and invented a
whole host of extremely dubious reasons why they would be unable to tackle
this little excursion.  Of course, your correspondent, finding all the excuses
taken and lacking the quick wit to invent a new one, had no choice but to
entertain the remaining hikers as he accompanied Pittsburgh down the cliff to
their appointment with destiny.  The hikers with the sense to decline to hike
with us watched with that same morbid curiosity one sees in spectators at a
fatal car crash.  They did act helpfully, though, as each snapped photos for
use in notifying next of kin of the grisly details of our presumed demise.

Sadly for the chickens who wimped out :), we failed to fulfill our destiny and
can now report that Jim and Ginny Owen, Grey Owl, Chris Casciano, John
Goldsworthy and his girlfriend, Denise all chose to hike their own hike and
leave the glory of experiencing the side trip down a cliff and up the Showers
steps to Pittsburgh and me.

At the top of the Showers steps, our hiking "buddies" were taking a leisurely
break along with section hikers Slim and Bogey and thruhikers Lightfoot and
Mother Teresa.  Our emergence from the abyss was deemed a miracle that may
very well clinch Mother Teresa's elevation to sainthood.  No other explanation
was considered feasible.  To commemorate this miracle we all shared a
spiritual moment as communion wafer shaped slices of kohl rabi were shared all
around.  Our four new buddies will all be in Maine shortly as Slim and Bogey
will be finishing their 10 year section hike and Lightfoot and Mother Teresa
will be flip-flopping to Katahdin after reaching Port Clinton.

This has severe implications for fellow lister Felix because it seems that a
certain Georgia magistrate has deputized these four to apprehend him on sight
for many violations of Georgia law.  We were shown the writ and amazed by the
amount and length of the charges against him, but none among us was able to
ken the meaning of "moral turpitude" so it remains unclear just what Felix has
done.  If you are out there Felix ol' buddy, I'd suggest you lay low for the
next few months.

The remainder of the hike was fairly uneventful until we came upon Cap'n Clay
who hiked in to meet us from the North and then turned around to join us for
the remainder of the hike, no doubt having heard of the offer of free food at
the end of the hike.  That he only had to hike 2 out of the 9 mile hike showed
his yogiing resourcefulness and he was gladly accepted into our little
sorority.

After the hike, Kahley, who also gives great shuttle, joined us for a
celebratory meal at the All American Family Restaurant where they play both
kinds of music, country AND western.  Felix again joins our little story as I
must thank him for supplying the credit card number to pay for our feast.
What a guy!

Of course the hike was merely a pretext to get together to eat and we spent
the next two hours communing with edible delicacies in much the same way a
non-slackpacking, purist hiker :) finds deep meaning exploring the illusion of
wilderness carrying a 50 lb. cross -- I mean pack -- while resisting all
attempts of unwanted trail magic.

Any time there is so much hiker wisdom assembled in one place you would expect
revolutionary new ideas in thruhiking methods to be discussed, and this time
was no different.  The topic of dogs hiking the AT came up and the practice of
a few thruhikers adopting dogs at the SPCA and immediately taking them out on
the trail.  This practice was thoroughly denounced as barbaric and as you
might expect, Jim Owen came up with a truly kind and resourceful way to rid
our country of excess dogs and at the same time provide an ambulatory source
of food for thruhikers.  Fresh dog meat, YUM.  Of course we'll need Wild
Bill's help in compiling the addresses and phone numbers of all the SPCA's
along the trail.  Cocker Spaniel, anyone?

So the list members are clamoring to hear some details of the personalities
and appearances of these heretofore unknown personages.  Well, y'all are in
luck, because with my talent for reporting the unvarnished truth in incredible
detail, I am going to unmask these hiking strangers.  First let me say that
the standard advice one hears when you tell a friend that you are going to
meet a stranger in person that you met on the Internet, "You can't be serious.
Only weirdoes hang out there" is right on the money in this case.  WEIRDOES
ALL - except yours truly.  :)

OK, now to our cast of characters:

PITTSBURGH - A man with charisma.  He told me to jump off a cliff and I
complied.  His true personality only emerges, however, when eating, preferably
a gallon of steaming, hot chili.  He has a cast iron stomach and a mind like a
steel trap.  All compasses are rendered inaccurate in his presence.  As a
result he occasionally is known to wander aimlessly off trail.  For these
additional miles he only charges his clients one half his usual fee, an
extraordinary example of the generosity of this man.

KAHLEY - still recovering from Jones fracture.  Hoping to be free to resume
hiking shortly.  The key to knowing Kahley is to know the correct
pronunciation of her name.  This transcript of our conversation should clear
up any ambiguities.

Solar Bear: How's it going, Kahley?
Kahley: It's not pronounced Kahley.  It's Kahley.
Solar Bear: OK.  Kahley.
Kahley: Close, but still not right.  It's Kahley.
Solar Bear: Kahley?
Kahley: No, Kahley!
Solar Bear: Oh, I think I've got it now.  Kahley.
Kahley: Just forget it.  Call me Tink.

Best probably to steer clear of her!  I think there must be some
unpronounceable Vulcan vowels hiding in there somewhere.  This could be the
first convincing evidence of extraterrestrial intelligence -- discounting
Felix.

GREY OWL - A man who trains Boy Scouts during the most formative years of
their youth.  Further, he is an employee of the US Government.  These two
facts alone would convince any dispassionate jury of his primary
responsibility for our country going to hell in a hand basket.

He also hikes in an extremely mathematical and predictable way.  If you hike
with Grey Owl in the future -- not advised -- please bring a calculator that
computes the square root function.  He hikes at precisely the square root of
the speed of his hiking companions, thus allowing you to predict precisely how
long your hourly breaks can be while you invariably wait for him to catch up
with you.

JIM OWEN - What can I say about Jim Owen that hasn't already been said before.
That he is handsome, intelligent, wise beyond his 100 years, friendly, helpful
to every hiker in need?  Hell no, you want the truth about this guy.  Well,
let me sum it up in a nutshell.  He appears to have no other redeeming feature
than to be able to cast some magical spell or potion on the fairest of hiking
babes, this being the only possible explanation for Ginny's interest in him.
Ignore all of his posts unless he talks about attracting hiker babes.

His contribution to the ultralight backpacking discussion.  He will only carry
30 lbs.  Anything more than that goes in Ginny's pack.

GINNY OWEN - Hiker babe extraordinare!  Truly the brains of the Owen family.
Unfortunately under some unholy spell at the moment.  The 100 year old Jim
Owen can't last forever though guys, so there's hope for the rest of us.

CHRIS CASIANO - I got a big problem with this guy.  Now it's well documented
that hiker babes go big time for us mature guys with aerodynamical pates (bald
head for those keeping score).  Guys like Jim Owen and myself have spent
decades abusing our bodies to achieve this perfection in form only to have
this young dude shave his head and try to butt in to our sacred hiker babe
territory.  Well, it's not gonna fly, Chris.  You gotta pay your dues, man.

JOHN GOLDSWORTHY & girlfriend DENISE - These people make me sick.  Young,
smart, beautiful.  Don't they have a clue?  We're hikers here.  They'll ruin
our hard earned image as bums and drifters.  Hey folks, gain some weight,
smoke 3 packs a day and come back in twenty years when you look like us!

CAP'N CLAY - slicker than wet Georgia clay.  This guy makes yogiing a fine
art.  Shows up 5 minutes before lunch claiming not to know lunch is free.
Even pulls out wallet and bills.  Could have gotten an Oscar for this
performance.  Obvious thru-hiking material.

This concludes my report.  My fellow C-SPAN junkies will understand me when I
say, "I reserve the right to revise and extend my remarks."

Happy trails,

Solar Bear
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