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[at-l] tolerance
At 02:25 PM 6/26/2005 -0400, Carol Donaldson wrote:
>JBullard: There is a strong tendency to be unnecessarily confrontational
>in today's
>political/social climate. I think we all need to step back a bit from our
>self-righteousness and be a tad more understanding and diplomatic than is
>the norm these days. The old saying "you can attract more flies with sugar
>than vinegar" is still true. There is a difference between be assertive and
>being aggressive. You should aim for the former and avoid the latter.
>===============================================
>
>True, but don't you also agree that some people wear their emotions on
>their shoulders and get upset with no real cause? Others are too dense to
>get upset and keep repeating the same mis-judgments continually -- that's
>true boorishness in my diary.
>
>One person's assertiveness may be another person's aggressiveness.
Analogy: One does not drive a semi the same way one drives a Ferrari. Why?
Because they react differently to input. Part of interpersonal skills is
learning what level of assertiveness is required to 'reach' the person you
are interacting with. I used to get stuck with all the 'difficult' people
in my job. I can think of only two or three occasions in nearly 30 years
that I had to become "aggressive" to get my point across. All were
individuals who were already irrational when I entered the situation,
generally because someone else had provoked them.
>Let's go back to your situation with the hikers -- say your hiking
>companion was 'kind' (as we women are so trained or WERE trained by our
>grandmothers) and casually told the other unprepared hikers in a gentle
>miss-manner's way (why do I hear Michael Jackson's voice in my head when I
>think 'gentle miss-manner's way'?) that the weather at the top of the
>mountain is rather "brisk" and then walked on. The next day you find out
>that those same unprepared hikers got hypothermia and one died as a result
>of being unprepared?? THEN how would you feel about your friend? "You
>SHOULD have given them "the lecture" on preparedness. YOU were too kind
>to them. I SHOULD have said something. I COULD have prevented a
>death. Oh why wasn't I more aggressive?"
RE: The occasion I referred to. There was a building for refuge and a
summit steward at the top of the mountain to advise the hikers. There was
*no* life threatening danger to the young hikers, although my companion
addressed the situation as if there was. Furthermore he addressed them
disrespectfully and arrogantly. It was uncalled for. If I see someone
making a bad choice, I tell them. I've done it many times. I do it politely
and, if I deem necessary, firmly. I explain why I'm telling them. I have
never found it necessary to resort to being aggressive. The reality is I do
not have authority to tell someone they cannot do something stupid, I
cannot tell someone they cannot make cell phone calls from the summit (if
they can get a signal, it's not illegal), I cannot tell someone they can't
listen to their music turned up so loud others can hear (also not illegal).
If someone does something stupid in spite of my advice, I do *not* feel any
guilt.
>Each of us has our own personality and each of us has our own "personality
>receptors." If someone gets offended easily who's real problem is
>that? I figure you either talk it over or one of you assesses the value
>of the friendship and then decides if you want to maintain it or not. The
>key word is maintain. It's not free and it's not easy.
True, but I am in control of how *I* react. If my day is ruined because
someone else is inconsiderate or rubs me wrong I have no one to blame but
myself. If I get into a nasty confrontation over their behavior, I am as
much to blame as they are. I try to be considerate of others and
communicate what I feel is important civilly and I recognize that a few
won't 'get it' no matter how hard I try. There's no point in my getting
bent out of shape over it. It just is.