[at-l] Where I Was Three Years Ago on 9/11/01

[icw at esisnet.com (Clark Wright)]

I had just returned from the Trail, having come home early from my 
life-long thru-hike dream to be with my very pregnant wife and family.  
That morning, before 8:45 am, my mind already was reeling.  My time on 
the Trail had helped part of me come to grips with the need to leave my 
very successful fast lane legal career; I was wrestling with my 
relationship with Johanna, which was very strained due to her struggles 
with addiction and her wondering about me and my own struggles - would I 
be able to be there for her in the really hard times, and would she be 
able to be there for me?  Jo had gone out to take Hannah to school, and 
my first day back at the big law firm was exactly one week away, so I 
was channel surfing between CNN, ESPN, CNBC, etc. when the first plane 
hit . . . I experienced most of that morning alone . . . I am not the 
same, and I remain confused as to how much of how I feel today was from 
my time on the Trail, from that awful morning's experiences, from my 
struggles with my marriage (we are still hanging in there!), or from the 
suicide of my older sister only four weeks after 9/11.  I do know this - 
despite all the struggles, life is a good thing, a precious thing, and a 
damn complicated thing!  :)

I read all the posts re the war in Iraq, the war on terror, bush, kerry, 
etc.  While sometimes the rhetoric is flaming, I respect much of what I 
read . . . Personally, I have never had such mixed emotions, whether on 
the war, on these individuals, or on who I am, and where I am going.  
That fateful day three years ago changed us all, but not all for the bad 
- far from it.  The real lessons to be learned, and re-learned from 
9/11, from the war on terror, from the war in iraq, and from personal 
tragedy are these:  First, life is precious and uncertain, at least here 
on Earth - so experience it and enjoy it NOW, for tomorrow YOU might be 
the one on the burning 82d floor of the South Tower having to choose 
between the flames and the jump . . .   .  Second, you can never spend 
too much time loving those around you, whether in your family, your 
neighborhood, your country, or your world.  Third, you can never spend 
too much time struggling with your faith and your spiritual path, no 
matter how hard or uncertain you may feel the process is.  Lord knows, I 
still struggle, but at age 47, I've been far enough down enough roads 
(and trails) to realize that I am not invincible, that I will pass from 
this place, and so I should probably at least begin to contemplate just 
where my personal legacy and personal faith are taking me.  Lastly, to 
sort of tie this all back to the Trail and recent posts about the 
storms, and the hiker who cut his arm off to live - never forget that 
one of the most important conclusions to be reached from recognizing 
one's infintesimally tiny and insignificant place in this universe as we 
know it is - (are ya ready for this?) a big-ass dose of humility.  
Humility before God; humility in the war on terror; humility in how we 
perceive our president, or his primary challenger, humility in how we 
perceive and address each other, and humility in how we perceive 
ourselves, whether physically in the mirror, or - more importantly - in 
that never-ending discussion we have inside our own head.  This last 
item is my great challenge; I have always craved too much of the 
external indicia of success - and gotten most of those things.  I have 
always feared what others think of me way too much, leading to great 
bouts of bluster, righteous indignation, and grand arguments that I 
always must "win."  All this has been a great recipe for being a (pardon 
the ironic, misleading label) "Successful Lawyer."

So, my rambling challenge to you all on this day is the same one I lay 
down to myself:  Walk as many miles as you can stand in the boots of 
others, and help yourself by helping someone else first.

Thru-Thinker