[at-l] OT: Updated Florida Hurricane Prep.

[ShaunaShatto at aol.com (ShaunaShatto@xxxxxxx)]

UPDATED FLORIDA HURRICANE PREPARATION

We're into the peak of the hurricane season.  Any day now, you're going to 
turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob in the 
Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorology points: 1) There is no need to 
panic, 2) we could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in FL.  If you're new to the 
area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the 
possibility we'll get hit by "the big one".  Based on our experiences, we recommend 
that you follow this simple hurricane preparedness plan:

Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least 3 days.  
Put the supplies
in your car.  Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.  
Unfortunately, statistics show most people will not follow this sensible plan and will 
stay in FL.

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.  Fortunately this 
insurance is cheap and easy to get as long as your home meets two basic 
requirements:  it is reasonably well built and is located in Nebraska.  

Unfortunately, if your home is in FL, or any other area that might actually 
be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you 
hurricane insurance because then they might be required to pay you money, and 
that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first 
place.  So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company which will 
charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the value of your house.  

At any moment this company can drop you like used dental floss.  Since 
Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home insurance companies.  
This week I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy 
which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, 
on demand, to my kidneys.


Your house should have hurricane shutters on all windows and doors, and, 
toilets, if it's a major hurricane. There are several types of shutters, with 
advantages and disadvantages.

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that these work well once you get them all 
up.  The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be 
useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.  

Roll-down shutters:  These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane shutters.  
They look like ordinary windows, but can withstand hurricane winds.  You can be 
sure of this because the salesman says so.  He lives in Nebraska.  

Hurricane-proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check your 
yard for movable objects like bar-b-que
grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.  You should, as a 
precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool.  (If you don't have a 
swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).  Otherwise, hurricane 
winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned. 
 (To determine whether you do or not, look at your driver's license; if it 
says "Florida" you live in a low-lying area).  The purpose of having an 
evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits.  
Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your 
home, along with 200,000 other evacuees.  So you will not be lonely.

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies.  Do not buy them 
now!  FL tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, the go 
to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets 
the last can of Spam.  In addition to food and water, you will need the 
following: 23 flashlights, at least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the 
power fails, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.  Bleach: (No I don't know 
what the bleach is for.  NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's 
traditional, so GET some!)  A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the 
alligators.  (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the storm there WILL be irate 
alligators.  $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, 
you can buy a generator.

Of course, these are just basic precautions.  As the hurricane approaches, it 
is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on 
your TV and watching reporters in rain slickers standing right next to the ocean 
and telling you over and over again how vitally important it is for everyone 
to stay away from the ocean.  Good luck and remember: IT'S GREAT LIVING IN 
PARADISE!
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