[at-l] Here Goes

[jbullar1 at twcny.rr.com (Jim Bullard)]

Sounds like your are having a major mid-life crisis. I'm not making light of
your angst. I've been there and know exactly how it feels. My father-in-law
once asked me when I was going through some very rough times if I'd ever
wanted to disappear, take a new identity and be somebody else. I answered
"yes". I had actually considered that, though I hadn't told him. I didn't
because love and honor wouldn't let me.

No, life isn't fair, at least not in the way that most people mean when they
say that. I often tell people "remember the old adage 'the early bird gets
the worm'?" Then I ask them "is that fair to the worm?" The point is that
what's fair depends upon your point of view. And yes, life *is* change. You
really wouldn't want it to stop. There would be no excitement in living.
Actually that's part of the attraction of a thru, experiencing the changes
of place from day-to-day. I suspect that your problem is that you don't feel
in control. Doing a thru could give you a sense of being in control, for 5-7
months at least. Then what? I suggest that you need to focus on regaining a
sense of control. Datto is right that you need to figure out what you want
but given your history it sounds like you already have the tools to take
your life in whatever direction you decide to go. From this end of life
(retired at 58) I've been through enough to know that whatever you choose,
it will be okay if you give it your best.

The AT will be there for a long time to come. When I finally got to the
point that I could do a thru I'm no longer sure I want to. I'm planning now
to section hike and may not even do it all. I think the "dream" was really
only an escape from a life situation that, like yours, made me question many
things about myself. I'm not suggesting that you wait for retirement, but do
take your time to figure out what direction you want to go in. Another old
adage... 'decisions made it haste will be regretted in leisure'.

Take as long a vacation as you can where you can spend time reflecting and
consider how to regain a level of control that you are comfortable with. Get
help from a counselor if necessary. You'll never control everything about
your life. You'll still get thrown curves. The point is getting it into your
comfort zone and that may mean changing yourself to accept things that you
have trouble accepting now as much as changing the circumstances of your
life.

Best of luck,  Saunterer