[at-l] Here Goes

[KellyGoVols at aol.com (KellyGoVols@xxxxxxx)]

Have you ever just wanted to step out of life?  Just back away?  Have you 
ever said, "Woah!, too much, too soon, too little, not enough?"  What if life is 
REALLY not fair?  What if, no matter what you do to try to be a good person, 
you're constantly taken advantaged of?  What if life is really just full of 
disappointments?  What if there is no "bright side?"  What if the grass is NEVER 
greener?  What if you're jinxed?  What if you have bad luck?  What happens 
when, regardless of how hard you try, life slams you in the face?  What do you 
do?  Cry?  Scream?  Take it out on other people?  Really.  What do you do?  How 
does an optimist remain so?  I reckon if you are an optimist, you're an 
optimist.  What's the breaking point?  How many times are you faced with problems 
that seem impossible to overcome finally become too much?  I need a scale, a way 
to compare, a way to know when to say, "Fuck it all." And be happy with the 
decision.  

There have been times when I just slept.  I slept through everything, simply 
because I COULD NOT DEAL with life.  Now, I can?t sleep because I DO deal with 
life.  I don?t know which is worse.  

I do know that I'm NOT doing what I want to do.  I have a vocation, but not a 
career.  I have a job, but it?s not me.  I am constantly wanting to yell, 
"FUCK YOU!  YOU HAVE A LAW DEGREE?  SO FUCKING WHAT?  That doesn't make you 
smarter than me.

I am completely and entirely different from anyone I know.  I will bend over 
backwards to help someone, regardless of who they are.  I will give money to 
bums when I know they'll buy booze.  I'll listen when I don?t want to.  I?ll 
always give EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt.  I'm gullible that way.  Is this 
good?  Is this bad?  Am I really stupid, and I don?t know it?  

There was a time when I thought the world was mine for the taking? For a 
while, I DID take it.  Then, "I" couldn?t take it.  Then, I wasn?t capable of 
taking it.  Now, here I am, capable again, and I don?t want the responsibility.   
Life has a way of throwing you curves, that are unexpected, and you have to 
deal with them.  I, personally, hate these so called "curves", and wish that 
everything would remain the same and constant.  

I just want to know where the fire in me went?  Where is that drive and 
ambition?  Where are those hopes and dreams that were so strong they nearly tore me 
apart?  Why is it now, that I?m dedicated, and capable of achieving my goals, 
that the fire is gone?  Is it a "Teenage" thing?  Is it knowledge that kills 
the desire?  Is it different dreams or goals or just the knowledge that it 
really "ain?t that simple" that kills it?  God, to know what I know now, and have 
the gumption that I had then.  

I listen to the rain sometimes in my home, and I feel safe.  Is safety really 
the ultimately goal?  Have I reached it unknowingly?  Or have I reached a 
state of contentedness  that is hard to overcome? I hear the rain now, and I?m 
inside, and I like the sound, but at the same time, I?m glad I?m not out there, 
but at the same time, I WANT to be out there.  I want that freedom, to live 
life regardless of the rain, or "curve balls."  

The plight of the people in other countries disturbs me to the point of 
tears, but yet, I?m selfish in the fact that I?m here, I can do what I want, and 
you can?t.  It makes me feel superior in a certain respect, but yet, I can cry 
at the drop of the hat when I read or hear a story about someone that is less 
fortunate than me.  I?m forever pulled in a million directions by what I KNOW 
and what I FEEL.   No, I don?t think I?m selfish.  I care to much about EVERY 
fucking thing to be selfish.  But, I carry the burden of caring.  Sometimes, 
I wish I didn?t care so much.  I think the burden of caring outweighs the 
burden of selfishness.  The load may be heavier, but it weighs less on the mind.  

What I want to know is how I can "get back" the ambition, and desire, and 
hope I always had for my future. I don?t know when I lost it.  I don?t know how 
I lost it.  Shit.  Knowledge is a pile of crap.  Realism is over rated.  

I find myself in a life I don?t want.  I have a boyfriend whom I love with 
all my heart, but I wonder, am I giving up too much for him?  I want to hike the 
AT and maybe the PCT and the CDT.  I don?t want to live in South Florida.  
And, the only thing keeping me here is him.  I love him so much, and I think 
that we?ve found that perfect love, that most people NEVER experience.  How can I 
give that up?  Damn it.  Life?s challenges SUCK!  

I?ve come a long way while I?ve been in south Florida.  Life here has been 
good to me.  I have a vocation, if not a career, and I make good money.  I can 
more or less "write my own ticket" but I don?t want to.  If THE BOY knew this, 
he would probably break up with me.  Not because it didn?t fit with his 
lifestyle, but because he loves me.  Jesus.  What?s a girl to do?

I started out as a hillbilly, knowing nothing, and now, I have the life I 
dreamed of as a child? but now, the life I want is different.  I moved here, 
became a stripper, met a LOT of men that helped me.  Not because I was a stripper, 
but because they knew I had a mind.  I?m still friends with a lot of these 
men.   I put myself through college, maintained a GPA that impressed State 
Colleges, but never took it any further.  I wish I had.  I could have probably 
become a nuclear scientist (If that is what interested me) or a?a?. I don?t know, 
ANY FREAKING THING!  

I really want to be a writer, but don?t know the first thing about it. I don?
t know how to spell, I have a LARGE vocabulary, but haven?t mastered the art 
of spelling the words I know.  I don?t know how to structure a sentence 
properly.  I don?t know how to conduct a sentence or a paragraph, much less write a 
book.  What do I do?  I?ve read Tolstoy and Fitzgerald and Ezra Pound, and 
every other thing in between.  Damn it.  Damnitalltohell!  

I?m confused and I?m angry and I don?t know what to do.  This post will 
probably be the last post I make to the list.  At least until I figure out the 
complexity that is me.  I reckon I will have to either have to DO SOMETHING, or 
accept my life. I suppose  I?ll either throw gear, or myself off a steep cliff. 
  

Anyway,
GoVols
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