[at-l] Feliz Ano Nuevo - a Meditation on Packing Up

[janl2@mindspring.com (Jan Leitschuh)]

Well, I woke up on this last day of 2002 feeling sentimental.

Also a little pushed, since I have to be completely out of my barn by
tonite!  It has been astounding to me what I have sold, given away, donated.
If I think too much about the mere pennies on the dollar I am salvaging, I
could become ill.
So, like Scarlett O'Hara,  I don't think about it too much.

I have watched in wonder, as my life of the past 30 years - a life of
full-bore horse ownership - flies out the door. It's as if Someone Else was
doing the sorting.
And what's left has been distilled into four Rubbermaid tubs - not the giant
size, either.

The surviving distillate is pretty much what I use every day in training -
the core stuff.
All the horseKEEPING stuff? Gone. This is an amazement to me. I wonder if I
will ever own horses again. I am loving the freedom to be away on weekends
without worrying whether a client's expensive warmblood is colicking. There
are plenty of lovely barns in this area to work out of.

But it's more than that. The intense equine connection - where has it gone?
I still love, love, LOVE being eyeball-to-eyeball with a student or a young
horse. The "juice" is still there.

But right now, I don't want to own a horse. There are winds blowing through
me that are shaking me to the foundations, yet all I am feeling is the
gentle breeze of preparation.

What's going on? Eh? Once again, I am getting this odd
"the-mind-is-the-last-to-know" feeling...
I like to think "I" am in charge of my life, yet this whole Trail Odyssey
has me questioning as to who/what is driving the boat here. It's hard to
explain, if you've never lived through it.

This time, instead of fighting this current (as I did the concept of walking
the Trail), I am watching it. Letting it happen. Staying curious as to how
it all turns out.

Though unsure what of is going on, all this tossing out and letting go, I am
finding it immensely liberating. Why doesn't everyone do this every five
years? A total top-to-bottom evaluation of their Life Stuff?

In truth, I should have done this years ago, though probably I would not
have been as thorough.

At the same time, putting all my things into storage feels very rootless.
This is a bit unnerving. For one, whether we admit it or not, we do create a
certain identity around "stuff." So, once Jan the HorseGal is packed away,
who is left?

And then too, freedom itself can be unsettling. Unencumbered, I could go
anywhere, be anyone. If I think about it too long, one of two reactions
bubbles up: exhilaration, or queasiness. It's a coin toss.

Well back to the barn. Tomorrow - ha! I start on the HOUSE!

2003- my year to walk.
Feliz Ano Nuevo

Jan
AT Class of '03
http://www.trailjournals.com/liteshoe/

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