[at-l] Southern Guidance

[atted@tampabay.rr.com (ted anderson)]

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[ Picked text/plain from multipart/alternative ]
Additionally:  In the south your mother in law can tell a State Trooper to,
kiss my ass", with her cigarette in her mouth, and without spilling the
ashes.

-------Original Message-------

From: Russ A Drake
Date: Friday, August 16, 2002 12:56:28 PM
To: at-l@mailman.backcountry.net
Subject: [at-l] Southern Guidance

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to
the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt
to our difference in lifestyles:

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,
The South has 'mater samiches.
The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services,
The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy,
The South has Jesse Helms.
The North has an ambulance,
The South has an amalance.

The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.
The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters,
The South has crawdads.

The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt.
The North says "Turn it on and Turn it off."
The South says "Cut it on and Cut off."

The North says "press the button"
The South says "mash the button"

Northern headlines say "THREAT OF SNOW."
Southern headlines say "PROMISE OF SNOW."

HERE IN THE SOUTH.....

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a
four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is
>what they live for. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in
the same store....... Don't buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and
"all y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or Child.
This is short for "Y'all ought not do that!" and is the
equivalent of saying "No!"

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are
saying. They can't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerners vocabulary is the adjective "big 'ol, truck or
or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced
dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. The
proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you
should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last
words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the
local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything
or not. You just have to go there.

When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the
road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere,
and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a
lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't
think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat has kittens
in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

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