[at-l] New site (language warning!) (long & OT)

[rbenhameda@home.com (Rami)]

Yes, what are the rules?  I've only seen two of them.


-amy



Yes, that was quite a serious breach of Union Contractual regulations.
I'm betting that Jim had to pay a hefty fine for that little slip.
Although I can't tell you any of the classified rules, some have made
their way into the public forum and been declassified.  Here are a
couple:

for each (house type) job you require us to do, we are entitled to the
purchase of tools to accomplish said job.  The number of tools allotted
per job increases on a logarithmic scale depending on the level of
unpleasantness of the job, and how much perceived harassment we had to
endure prior to starting the job. (both judged on the standard 1-10
scale)

And;

For each sappy chick-flick we are forced to go see with you, we are
entitled to an equal quantity of debauchery.  This accrued time never
expires and can be banked for use all at once or in small doses over
time.  Accounting of this time is the sole responsibility of the man,
and is not subject to arbitration or appeal.  The only instance in which
this time is not earned is when we inadvertently enjoy the chick-flick
in question.

Sloetoe is our resident shop steward in Central Indiana (local 42 of the
International Fraternal Association of Roughneck Toughguys) (LCL42:
I-FART) a division of the testosterone club for men.



******Language Warning! Content Warning! Proceed at your own
risk!********

The following rules were illegally published in Maxim Magazine a while
back.  The man who release them is dead now.

Rule #1: Thou shalt not rent Chocolat.

Rule #6: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Rule #85 (The Sergeant Schultz Rule): When queried by a buddy’s wife,
girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog
walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information
whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his
very existence.

Rule #212: Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must
bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Rule #404: Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move furniture:
Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident. Acceptable
excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move furniture: You’d rather
stay home and watch Speed Buggy reruns.

Rule #723 (The Tuxedo Cloaking Rule): A best-man toast must not include
any of the following phrases: “down in Tijuana,” “improbably booting out
his nose,” “mostly scabbed over,” or “energetic Greco-Roman
clusterfuck.”

Rule #959: You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent
without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to
call bullshit. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable
exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.)

Rule #1,073: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

Rule #1,219: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

Rule #1,476: The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy
who’s running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For
a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness
she scores on the classic 1–10 scale.

Rule #1,699: Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s
refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature’s
unsuitable.

Rule #1,862: A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own—weed
whacker, car, firstborn child—with 12 hours’ notice. If he damages the
item, he must repair it within seven days, even if it means selling his
plasma. Exception: If you don’t notice the damage at the hand-off, he
gets away scot-free.

Rule #2,284 (The Patton Principle): Falling on a grenade for a buddy
(i.e., agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he’s
trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away
with your good deed and end up bonking the beast, your pal is forbidden
to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

Rule #2,475: Do not torpedo single friends: If you’re married and a pal
drops by with a date, do not, even after your sixth vodka, blurt out,
“So, when are you two gonna walk the plank?” Punishment: Following the
assembly instructions for your rug rats’ toys for two years.

Rule #2,500: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops,
not the weakest.

Rule #2,650 (The Hand-off Catechism): Before dating a buddy’s ex, you
are required to ask his permission; and he, in return, is required to
grant it. But he’s fully within his rights to say, “Man, are you gonna
love the way she licks your testicles.”

Rule #2,738: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated
as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
pick a Buffalo wing clean.

Rule #2,811: If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem—you didn’t
see nothin’.

Rule #2,901: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. (In fact, even remembering your best buddy’s birthday is
strictly optional.)

Rule #3,462: The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is
beer. The reward formula is as follows: (hours of labor) x (number of
boxes) x (flights of stairs) ÷ dollars, in hundreds, of damage to
belongings = beers owed. Bonus for the friend who owns the truck: first
crack at that hot new neighbor chick.

Rule #3,730: You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the
death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on
fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

Rule #4,671: While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies’
girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to
make nice with her gal pals’ significant dickheads—low-level sports
bonding is all the law requires. (Sorry, ladies: It’s called a double
standard because it’s twice as true.)

Rule #5,294: Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do
not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

Rule #5,649: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event,
you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never
ask who’s playing.

Rule #5,888 (The Mercy Rule): When your girlfriend/wife expresses a
desire to fix her whiny, loser friend up with your pal, you may give her
the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time
to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

Rule #6,172 (Gas Warfare Act): You may flatulate in front of a woman
only after you’ve brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under
the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially
your girlfriend.

Rule #6,521: It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when
you’re sunning on a tropical beach…and it’s delivered by a topless
supermodel…and it’s free.

Rule #6,876: When in a bar that has a ratio of more than five waiting
customers per bartender, limit orders to beer and straight liquor. (No,
your girlfriend does not need a frozen flying grasshopper with a twist
of grapefruit.)

Rule #7,104: Only in a situation of mortal and/or ass peril are you
allowed to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.

Rule #7,105: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

Rule #7,718 (The Body Heat Rule): A man in the company of a hot,
suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

Rule #7,847: The third, fourth, and fifth rules of Fight Club: If your
buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you
must jump into the fight. Exception: If during the past 24 hours his
actions have caused you to think What this guy needs is a good
ass-whupping, you may stand back and enjoy.

Rule #8,000: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

Rule #8,174 (The Golden Rule): Move your feet, lose your seat. This rule
has survived many challenges and supersedes all childish “pee breaks are
safe” local ordinances.

Rule #8,416: When picking players for a sports team, it is permissible
to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes—as long as you don’t
let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sidelines.

Rule #8,421: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be
talking about his choice of beer.

Rule #8,580: Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of
yours, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.

Rule #8,754: Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while
lifting weights:

“Yeah, baby, push it!”

“C’mon, give me one more! Harder!”

“Another set and we can hit the showers.”

“Nice ass. Are you a Sagittarius?”

Rule #8,812: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice
of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.

Rule #8,820: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you’re on equal
footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible “I recognize you” nod is all the
conversation you need.

Rule #8,911: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on
longer than you’re able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
phone; hang up if necessary.

Rule #9,048: You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a
massive hangover. You may, however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair
with Limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he
thinks his monitor’s broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker
every seven minutes.

Rule #9,076: When receiving oral sex while driving, always:

Wear your seat belt.

Close the sunroof.

Smile.

Make extended eye contact with as many women in other cars as possible.

Rule #9,210: If one guy is already singing along with a song on the car
radio, you may not chime in, even if it’s the chorus to “Wooly Bully.”
Better response: Tell him to shut his pie hole.

Rule #9,374: If you catch your woman screwing your best friend, let your
state’s crimes-of-passion laws be your guide.

Rule #9,481: When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him
only in a manner that gives you no chance of getting laid, either.

Rule #9,546: Things you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SATs, and
your resumé. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.

Rule #9,601: Before allowing a drunken pal to cheat on his girl, you
must attempt one intervention. If he can get on his feet, look you in
the eye, and deliver a “Fuck off!” you are absolved of responsibility.
Remember: Later on you will have no idea what his girlfriend is talking
about.

Rule #9,750 (The Skank Rule): You may swear friends to secrecy about a
sexual escapade only if there’s a chance the woman in question will
become your girlfriend. If you’re imprudent enough to get caught bagging
an undesirable female, then the anecdote will stay in the guy public
domain right through your bachelor party. Don’t beg; it’s unseemly.

Rule #9,806: The morning after you and a babe who was formerly “just a
friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling
weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the
discussion about what a big mistake it was.

Rule #9,998: Always split aces and eights. No arguments.

Additional Guidelines:

 In which of the following situations is it OK to cry?

a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss’ Ferrari.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, and 37 seconds into The Crying Game.
e. When you accidentally slice off your head in a bandsaw, again.
f. When your date is using her teeth.

answer: all of the above


 When, if ever, is it acceptable to assist a buddy who’s flailing on
fire-starting duty?

a. Never—he’s on his own.
b. When you’ve emptied an entire Schlitz since he last made progress.
c. Only when he’s on the verge of resorting to higher technology—i.e.,
if he’s pulling out lighter fluid, you can restack it correctly and
light a match.
d. When your girlfriend starts giving you that look.

answer: c