[at-l] NOTICE FROM SANTA

[hopefl@juno.com (Lamar Powell)]

My wife brought this home from the law office where she works. I thought
ya'll might find it amusing.  Hopeful


NOTICE FROM SANTA:
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be
able to serve the Souther United States On Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by the
North American Fairies and Elves Local # 209. I now serve only certain
areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the
new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies,
so keep that in mind. However, I am certain that your children will be in
good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my
goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there
are a few differences between us, such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
an RC cola and pork rinds or a moon pie on the fireplace and Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer, one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You wont hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on
Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely
to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back off." The
last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is
a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a
caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street,"
and "It's A Wonderful Life" will not be shown in you negotiated viewing
area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the
Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state
police cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife
and kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the
tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, like
"Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus I Coming
To Town." This years songs about Bubba Claus will be played on the AM
radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's
"Bubba Claus Shot The Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want For
Christmas Is My Woman And A Six Pack," and Johnny Paycheck's "If You
Don't Like Bubba Claus, Shove It."

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(member) North American Fairies and Elves Local # 209.