[at-l] Fear - and an apology (was: communications) - (LONG)

[spiriteagle99@hotmail.com (Jim and/or Ginny Owen)]

Yeah - I'm still in "ramble" mode - I got a lot of off-list responses to 
this mess - and I'll say "thank you" to those who thought enough of it to 
write.

But what I really want to start with is an apology - it's one thing to 
disagree with someone.  It's something else entirely to disagree with 
someone new to the list (or a previously unknown lurker) --- and not even 
extend them the courtesy of a welcome to the campfire before disagreeing 
with them.  So, I really apologize to Patrick for my rudeness and I'd like 
to belatedly offer him a seat at the fire and - if we can find them, a 
smashmellow or two.  OK, who's got the smashmellows?

Secondly - we're back to that eternal misunderstanding - not everyone 
understands that when I start philosophizing it's nearly ALWAYS (99.9%) in 
relation to "thruhiking".  That's just the way I think - I ALWAYS start with 
the premise that what I'm talking about applies to a 3 to 6 month hike, 
because that's where our greatest experience/interest lies. And while it 
sometimes creates confusion, I don't think I'll ever manage to long distance 
hiking- just ignore me.  Eventually I'll go back to my corner. What applies 
to thruhiking doesn't necessarily apply to day hiking or section hiking - 
and I don't mean to imply that it does.

Anyway, to move on here - I wouldn't want anyone to think that I'm telling 
them what to carry - or not.  What you carry is not my business.  My point 
is now and has always been - THINK about what you're carrying --- and why.  
If you're carrying something because you're (for example) afraid of the 
dark, or of being hungry, or of being cold, or uncomfortable, then you're 
probably carrying more weight than you need to.  But it's still YOUR weight, 
for YOUR reasons, and no one (especially me) has reason to complain as long 
as you're the one who's carrying it.

What I AM suggesting is that you look at yourself in the mirror and admit 
your fears.  To yourself - cause it's nobody's business but yours.  And for 
most of us that's one of the hardest things we'll ever do.  It's certainly 
harder than hiking the trail.  But if you can actually admit to those fears, 
it also gives you the advantage of KNOWING why you're carrying that extra 
weight.  And, believe it or not, it makes the weight a little easier to 
carry.

Truth be known, Ginny and I still carry too much weight. We've given up a 
lot of extraneous weight over the last 9 years - but not ALL of it.   But we 
know what we're carrying - and why.  And we'll keep on carrying that stuff 
until we're ready to give it up.  You should do the same. The trail is hard 
enough without trying to do it someone else's way.

One caveat on all this is that sometimes you may also have to consider the 
fears of others - a wife, father, brother, children - and that gets hard. If 
you blow off their fears, then what does it say about how you feel about 
them?  If you carry something you don't want, then it's an intrusion on your 
hike.  The answer?  I don't know - it depends on YOUR individual situation.  
But personally, I'd try education - and maybe involving them in the hike - 
in the planning, the execution and the excitement.  Sometimes it works.

Where we're getting back to here is - THINK about what you want out of your 
hike, about what kind of hike you want, about what you're willling to 
sacrifice to achieve your goal, about your fears and how they play into 
increasing your pack weight (and thereby decrease your probability of 
finishing), about how many of your fears (and which ones) you're willing to 
give up in order to finish your thruhike.  A LOT of people start a thruhike 
without ever thinking about these things - and a lot of people don't finish 
the trail.  Personal opinion is that there's a direct relationship there.

Another part of this is that no matter how much you might like to, you won't 
give up all your fears before you start the trail either.  In fact, you may 
not give up any of them.  But you'll more than likely learn and change and 
grow while you're on the trail - and you may (or may not) give up some of 
your fears while you're out there.  Or (if you're lucky) that process may 
continue even after you finish.  I've watched that happen to some of the 
people on this list - and it's a wonderful thing to see.

Now -- OB suggested that fear can be a good thing.  I want him to know that 
I agree completely.  When you're being shot at, or facing a hungry, angry 
bear, or being hassled by the local yahoos - fear is one of the things that 
can keep you alive.  And that's a good thing.

There are those who think "heroes" are fearless - and they're wrong.  Real 
"heroes" feel fear just like anyone else - but they do what they have to do 
in spite of the fear. They do what's necessary to "get the job done", to 
eliminate the source of the fear, or sometimes to learn to live with it. 
Those who feel no fear are simply foolish, thoughtless - and sometimes 
downright stupid.

So, as OB said, when you're planning your hike, it's a good thing to feel 
enough fear of the unknown to plan your first aid kit carefully.  It's a 
good thing to take a First Aid course - and even better to take a Wilderness 
First Aid course.  If you're going where you need to be a competent map 
reader, it's a good thing to take a map and compass course.  In bear 
country, reading up ahead of time on bear behavior and how to avoid problems 
is really smart.  These are things that any competent backcountry traveler 
should consider "essential skills".  They're part of the process of 
eliminating fears - like the fear of injury to yourself or others - or the 
fear of being lost.

Fear is NOT, in and of itself, a bad thing to have in your life.  If you can 
face it, work through it, educate yourself to handle it, and keep on going 
in spite of it, you'll be a better person for it.

I warned y'all I was gonna ramble - but even I didn't expect to get this far 
down this particular road.  Worse - there's even more to be said  about it.  
But I've run out of steam - and time - right now, so maybe we'll get to that 
another day.  In the meantime, I'm gonna append something that Ginny wrote 
while we planning our CDT hike.  I think some of you will find it 
interesting - and some may even find it useful.  Much of what she wrote 
became a part of our trail reality.  I hope yours is as good as ours was.

Walk softly,
Jim


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FEARS AND EXPECTATIONS

What do you expect out of your thruhike?  What do you hope? What do you
fear?  No matter how much research you do ahead of time, reality is always 
different from expectations.

For fun - consider what your expectations are for the trail.
Best hopes - worst fears.  These were some of mine:

Growth - learning - serenity
Ability to go back to being happy with myself - with Life.
Lose some of the cynicism.
Growing closer to Jim - fear of getting too close too.  Will I bore him?
Irritate him?  It's a lot of togetherness.
Total immersion in nature - time to sit on a mountain peak and stare across 
the ridges, across the plains, time to watch the sky, the clouds, the stars.

Happiness.
Fear that the push for miles will not allow enough play time.
New experiences with animals - grizzlies, elk, moose, etc. That always gives 
me joy.
Moments of joy - moments of peace.
Closeness to God - time to pray.

I don't really expect much in the way of contact with people.  Possible
conflict with locals - some trail magic maybe, mostly indifference I think. 
The lack of other hikers will be different.  Good in many ways, but there 
won't be the kind of comradery we knew on the AT.

Fear of not being physically and emotionally strong enough.  Can I do long 
miles, day after day, without breaking down?  What if it gets to be sheer 
drudgery?
Fear that Jim is not strong enough.
Will one of us get injured?  What if we get sick? If one is injured, what 
then?
Separation?  Could we?  Would we? Could I watch him go on without me?  Could 
I hike alone without him?  Could I abandon the hike after waiting so long?

Hope of getting strong again - getting my body back.  Dancing across the
rocks.  (Also crawling across the talus fields.)
I know we'll get tired of our food - and at the same time, we'll always be 
hungry.
Weather - I hate cold and wet, but we're likely to run into a lot of that.

We'll learn to read maps better, read the land, learn to flow with the land.
Hopefully we'll get back our ability to know what matters, and what really 
isn't important.
Flexibility - most important gift of the trail.
Self reliance - we can do it.
Growth as outdoors people and as individuals.  Going to trail graduate
school.
Life reduced to the basics - this moment, this day, this mountain.  One
minute at a time.
Fear - getting caught in a thunderstorm, a blizzard, face to face with a
grizzly or a mountain lion.

After trail fears - where will we go?  How will we live?  Can we go back to 
"normal" life?

What we have been told about the CDT: Expect to get lost, a lot.  Expect
bad weather, year around.  You need to be flexible.  It is hard.  You
won't see anyone out there.  Those who have hiked it don't seem to have the 
same kind of love for the trail that AT hikers have - except Jim Wolf.  Is 
that just because it is so hard?  The trail is a trial.

I romanticize thruhiking, nature, the mountains, etc. It is one aspect of 
life, it isn't life itself.  Or is it?

I want to be able to say, "I walked here all the way from Canada." Even
more, I want to go back to our friends and say, "We did it."  Not ego – but 
pride.

We could lose our lives over this.  Is it worth it?  It is only six
months. But what a six months.

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