[at-l] Judging Chili

[WHHAWKINS@aol.com]

A cousin sent this to me, thought y'all would enjoy it. It's about food and 
that makes it trail related.

Wildbill

FRANK, who was visiting Texas: 
 
  "Recently I was  honored to be selected as an 
 outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas to be a judge 
 at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do 
 it. Also the original person called in sick at the 
 last moment, and I happened to be standing there at 
 the judge's table asking directions to the beer 
 wagon when the call came. 
 
 I was assured by the other two judges (Native 
 Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and 
 besides they told me I could have free beer during the 
 tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the 
 event: 
 
 Chili # 1:  Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili 
 JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy  on tomato. Amusing 
 kick. 
 JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth  tomato flavor. Very mild. 
 FRANK: Holy smokes, what the heck is this stuff? You 
 could remove dried paint from your driveway with  it. 
 Took me two beers to put the flames out.  Hope 
 that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy. 
 
 Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili 
 JUDGE ONE:  Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. 
 Slight Jalapeno tang. 
 JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers 
 to be taken seriously. 
 FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not 
 sure what I am supposed to taste  besides pain. I 
 had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the 
 Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the
 beer line. 
 
 Chili # 3:  Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili 
 JUDGE ONE: Excellent  firehouse chili! Great kick. 
 Needs more beans. 
 JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use 
 of red peppers. 
 FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, 
 I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have 
 been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by 
 now and got out of my way so I could make it to the
 beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my 
 backbone is in the front part of my chest. 
 
 Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic 
 JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. 
 Disappointing. 
 JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good 
 side dish for fish or other  mild foods, not much of a 
 chili. 
 FRANK: I felt  something scraping across my tongue, 
 but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was 
 standing behind me with fresh  refills so I wouldn't 
 have to dash over to see her. 
 
 Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover 
 JUDGE ONE:  Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers 
 freshly ground, adding  considerable kick. Very 
 impressive. 
 JUDGE TWO: Chili  using shredded beef; could use more 
 tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong 
 statement. 
 FRANK: My ears  are ringing, and I can no longer 
 focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed 
 paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when  I told 
 her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally 
 saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from 
 pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the 
 other judges asked me to stop screaming. 
 
 Chili # 6:  Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety 
 JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. 
 Good balance of spice and peppers. 
 JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, 
 onions, and garlic. Superb. 
 FRANK: My  intestines are now a straight pipe filled 
 with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand 
 behind me except Sally. 
 
 Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili 
 JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance 
 on canned peppers. 
 JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in 
 canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should 
 note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He 
 appears to be in a bit of distress. 
 FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull 
 the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the 
 sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made
 of  rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili 
 which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. 
 Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've 
 decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm 
 not  getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll
 just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. 
 
 Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili 
 JUDGE ONE: A  perfect ending, this is a nice blend 
 chili, safe for all, not too  bold but spicy enough 
 to declare its existence. 
 JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced 
 chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it 
 was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the 
 chili pot on top of  himself. 
 FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3  was 
 unable to report)

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